Coulrophobia, McDonalds, and Drugs, oh my...

Sometimes Jennifer and I just sit down to have a nice catch up chat and things are all pleasant and normal until... uh, well until they aren't.

RantingnRaven
That fricken clown Stephen King created in IT freaked the hell out of me.

VampireNomad
Pennywise?

RantingnRaven
Yes

VampireNomad
Why are clowns so scary? Have we ever actually talked about this? Do you have coulrophobia?

RantingnRaven
Is that the fear of clowns?

VampireNomad
Yes

RantingnRaven
Then yes I have that phobia. It's not out of control. But Pennywise looked freaky.
I don't know why they are so scary... maybe all the makeup and the curly wig.

VampireNomad
Is it because of the forced humour? The idea that they can MAKE you laugh?
Is it because so many of them ride together in such small cars?

RantingnRaven
Oh the forced humour doesn't bother me. I think it's that they are usually all up in people's faces. One clown is bad enough; never mind a bunch in a small car. How do they fit all those gigantic clown shoes in such a small car?

VampireNomad
I don't know. Is it an optical illusion? Or are they collapsible?

RantingnRaven
It must be an optical illusion. Nothing else makes sense.
Do they have several of them driving at once? Like three are driving; each taking a pedal and the steering wheel?

VampireNomad
Like how mice would drive in a human suit?
ARE CLOWNS MICE IN HUMAN SUITS?

RantingnRaven
Hahahha! Oh my goodness, you found their secret!
No wonder they seem twitchy
and eat peanuts
and smell like farm animals.

VampireNomad
Yes and also no wonder they're scary. That combines two phobias in one! Coulrophobia and musophobia.
So basically clowns are horrid creatures that shouldn't be allowed in our homes, nevermind near our children.

RantingnRaven
Ha! Both clowns and mice share weird tendencies like sneaking into people's homes when they are unwanted.
You're like a phobia specialist.

VampireNomad
Yeah, due to having a few of them. Hey, wait - Ronald McDonald is a clown, isn't he? So why don't more of us have a deathly fear of McDonalds? Riddle me THAT, Batman.

RantingnRaven
Isn't there a reason why we don't see him so much anymore? I think he freaked kids out with his yellow onesie and gigantic red shoes. Also he had weird friends that liked to steal fries. I was never down with anyone stealing my fries.

VampireNomad
*snicker* ... yellow onesie....

RantingnRaven
Hahaha! ... yellow onesie...

VampireNomad
So this one time in college creative writing we got in a debate about what Grimace was. I mean he's a giant purple blob. ?? We ended the debate by having one of us call McDonalds head office to ask.
They said, quote, “He's a taste bud.”
Just let that sink in.
McDonalds created a giant purple taste bud mascot and named it GRIMACE... which is something you do when things taste bad.

RantingnRaven
WHAT?!!!! A taste bud. How does that even make sense?

VampireNomad
I don't know, man. Back in the day they had a clown ringleader, animated fries called Fry Guys, a thief called Hamburglar, a bird named Birdie who flew planes, and a giant purple taste bud named Grimace. CLEARLY McDonalds is actually made with LSD.

RantingnRaven
Bahahha... no wonder we are addicted. Those were the good old days. We got to pretend that going out for a meal was an adventure. At least the characters had a back story.

VampireNomad
An insane criminal drug-laced backstory but a backstory nonetheless!

RantingnRaven
LSD was originally a fungus that grew on rye bread.

VampireNomad
What?  Really?

RantingnRaven
Yes. Really. Instead of growing antibiotics, they grew LSD.
There's always a drug-laced backstory. Like Coca-Cola.

VampireNomad
Oh COKE! The good old days when you could drink your party out of a can.

RantingnRaven
So true. Real cocaine that also took the rust off your bumper... ;)

VampireNomad
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, man. I feel sort of high just having this conversation.

RantingnRaven
High by proxy eh? I know. This conversation has really stepped up a notch.

VampireNomad
Having said that, I also feel old. Because cocaine and LSD are old school. I don't even understand what drugs these days are. Molly?  Bath salts? I feel like bath salts was a very brief trend, though.

RantingnRaven
Oy! I know what you mean. I have no idea what is out there. I'm totally old school.
Ewww bath salts... that is not a good trip to go on. Like what is the allure there? Inhale this drug so you can eat your friends and random strangers?

VampireNomad
I think it was proved that cannibalistic event was not actually linked to bath salts.
Or even bath products of any kind.
However, have you heard of Krokodil?

RantingnRaven
Oh really? I didn't hear that.
No I have not heard of that.  What is it?

VampireNomad
It is a heroin alternative that, I believe, originated in Russia. Its drug name is Desomorphine and I guess production is similar to meth but because it can be produced on the cheap, unlike heroin, it's often contaminated with gasoline and lighter fluid, etc. Its street name ‘krokodil’ refers to crocodiles because users get scaly wounds on their flesh. It is a flesh eating drug. It literally consumes you from the inside out. And people are roundly addicted to it. It has a very high mortality rate.

RantingnRaven
Oh my gosh. That's horrific.
I just wouldn't even do heroin and have never wanted to, but once addicted and you basically can’t afford your addiction, you are left without an alternative.

VampireNomad
WHATEVER YOU DO AVOID GOOGLE IMAGES OF KROKODIL. Unless you have a teen who is considering ‘rebelling’ by trying it and then by all means clothespin their eyelids open and make them stare at the images of fingertips pulling off, etc.

RantingnRaven
Ha! Too much eh? You can't unsee that shit.

VampireNomad
Oh my god, girl, you have no idea. Okay, do it. I DARE you. In the spirit of Halloween and exploration, google that.

RantingnRaven
Ok...here I go....
Oh.MY.GOD.

VampireNomad
Yes. See?

RantingnRaven
There needs to be a disclaimer before that.

VampireNomad
Do not try this at home. You are living to regret that you did.

RantingnRaven
I can't ever unsee that... the horror... the horror...
I have always wanted to quote Kurtz.

VampireNomad
It's so apt!

RantingnRaven
It really is.

VampireNomad
Anyway, this isn't a Nancy Regan ‘just say no’ campaign but honestly... if you’re ever tempted to try something new out of Russia and it’s named after any kind of lethal reptile, don’t.

RantingnRaven
Yes, exactly. It burns you from the inside and not like heart burn either. It eats your flesh and fat.

VampireNomad
It does that, yes.
I can’t understand how those effects and the word ‘recreation’ ever got put together.
It’s worse than clowns. It’s so much worse than Pennywise.

RantingnRaven
Ha! Recreation and krokodil and clowns shall never be put together. I’m not sure if my thirteen year old mind ever forgot Pennywise.

VampireNomad
And now your [redacted] year old mind will never forget Krokodil. Circle of life!!

RantingnRaven
So darn true!

- Corinne Simpson and Jennifer Ward