A Very Merry VampireNomad Christmas: Let's Begin

A Very Merry VampireNomad Christmas

Alan, Jennifer, and I are counting down the twelve days of Christmas and pushing through to the new year with posts on everything we hold near and dear about the holiday season.  Favorite movies, short stories, traditions, true classics, and everything in between will be rolled out - fanfare optional - to share our version of the festive spirit.  Join us, it will be a lot of fun!  Bring nog.  Make gingerbread.  And if you don’t like Christmas then tune it just to glare and to keep pre-ghost Scrooge and old Marley (dead as a doornail he was) company in the far corner by the dour fire.  

I’m kicking it all off with this: the earwormiest of lyric analysis posts.  Baby, if you thought Backstreet Men were bad you are in for a treat today!


Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Año y Felicidad.

Translation?  “Merry Christmas / Merry Christmas / Merry Christmas / A prosperous year and happiness”.  It’s so simple, man.  Just have a merry Christmas times three and hey, have a happy year!  But set it to a ridiculously catchy refrain.  It’s a simple message but it’s also kind of profound, you know?  We want it to really stick with people.

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero Año y Felicidad.

Do you think we need another verse, dude?
Hell no!  There is literally nothing else I want to say.  This is it.  Sing it again, man.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart.

Maybe let’s translate it and then add a real heart-wrenching finish.  But use slang so it stays cool.  
Should we write another verse now?
No, man!  Dude, just repeat those ones.  They’re perfect!  Don’t change a thing.  Just keep singing.


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (reindeer)

Red noses, the go-to iconography of the cold, the drunk, and the clownish.  Which one is Rudolph?  For the sake of the children let’s assume cold.  Because if he’s drunk, this song will end badly.  And if he’s a clown I’m immediately thinking Pennywise.  

Had a very shiny nose
And if you ever saw it (saw it)
You would even say it glows

The thing that bothers me as an adult is that shine and glow are different things entirely.  Shine is a polish, a sheen, a clean-looking gleam.  Glow is actual luminescence.  Glow is an emanation of some form of light either intrinsic or residual.  So to be perfectly clear, if Rudolph did indeed have a very shiny nose I would not say it glows.  Though I concede that ‘shine‘ does not rhyme with ‘nose‘ so you’ve got me on a strictly lyrical technicality there.  

And all of the other reindeer (reindeer)
Used to laugh and call him names

Because kids are cruel no matter what species they are.  

They never let poor Rudolph (Rudolph)
Join in any reindeer games

For whatever reason when we were kids we’d add inane subtexts after some of the couplets and the one that followed this line was “like Monopoly”.  Why in hell would a bunch of reindeer be playing Monopoly?  Also this line is responsible for spawning the Ben Affleck/Charlize Theron movie of the same name so you can thank/blame it for that as you see fit.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

In all the Christmases that ever were none had been so foggy as the eve of Christmas that year.  Though Santa had been delivering toys and merriment to nice children for over one hundred and fifty years, fog now threatened all that he stood for.  Christmas itself, though not about gifts and material pursuits, was in jeopardy.  How could not one of the elves have ever thought to light the sleigh?  The sleigh was as historically accurate as it had ever been and there had never been a need for headlamps before.  Until now.  As the fog settled it’s gloomy tendrils into every heart and the very fabric of the essence of what the entirety of the North Pole was about sat on the precipice of doom, Santa had an idea.  That reindeer!  That one reindeer, the outcast, the one with the oddly red nose!  Why, he could be affixed to the head of the pack like a sort of LED figurehead.  The glow would cut through the fog and Christmas, by jove, Christmas itself would be saved!!

But first, they’d have to ask him.  He might have other plans.

Then all the reindeer loved him (loved him)

Really?  One shout-out from one authority figure/celebrity and that’s enough to catapult Rudy from zero to hero?  He’s a total outcast and then fog rolls in, Santa gets desperate, the nose becomes an asset, and voila!  Rudolph is the new Brad Pitt.

As they shouted out with glee, ,
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (reindeer)
You'll go down in history

For being a cold maybe drunken clown who didn’t have any other plans on Christmas Eve.  And for immortalizing in song the fact that Santa had skated by on a shocking lack of preparedness for decades.  Well I guess history has lauded less.  Congratulations, Rudy!  When you get to New York (which is always the last stop if Hollywood is to be believed) we’ll throw you a ticker-tape parade. 

- Corinne Simpson