Elf: A Live Blog

Elf
A Live Blog

Even the menu of this movie’s DVD charms the hell out of me.  

:35    Bob Newhart!  In orange tights!

2:06    There are shoe-making elves, cookie-making elves, and toy-making elves.  Those are the only three jobs for elves according to Bob Newhart.  What about arrow-shooting elves?  And ring-of-power-having elves?  

5:17    Maybe I’m an elf: I toast with milk too!

6:15    OMG IT’S HODGES FROM CSI!!  You guys, I’m positive I just saw Wallace Langham as an elf.  

8:04    Will Ferrell has the most hilariously earnest kid-face when he wants to.  

8:30    Ginger fact-checked whether or not I actually saw Hodges and apparently I made it up.  It was totally not Wallace Langham which, I guess, makes sense because if he was in this I’d expect him to have a rather central role.  Like as forensic elf or something, maybe.

10:00    “I’m a cotton-headed ninny muggins.”  LOL.  Best.

12:12    Buddy’s cry-flail running through the stop-motion North Pole is epic.

17:58    The candy cane forest!  I want to go to there.

18:49    New York raccoons do not hug.  They’re just like Ginger: anti-hugs.

19:33    Will Ferrell in that costume in the middle of New York crowds is the best ever.  

20:33    Aaaaand eating the gum off the subway rails never gets less gross.

22:09    I dare you to actually do this to elevator buttons in New York and not get shot.

24:05    James Caan and Will Ferrell is the best awkward comedic moment ever.  “Wow.  That was weird.”

25:04    “I like to whisper too.”

27:25    Gimbel’s toy manager to Buddy: “This is the North Pole.”
    “No it’s not.”
    “Yes it is.”
    “No it isn’t.”

27:40    “Why are you smiling like that?”
    “I just like to smile.  Smiling’s my favorite.”
    “Make work your favorite.  Work’s your new favorite.”

32:00    We need to get Buddy to decorate our place.  
    Ginger: How do we get him here?  And do you think he’d put the tree away too?

32:42    ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ is quite possibly the date-rapiest song ever.  ‘Say what’s in this drink’???  How did this get to be a holiday classic?
    Ginger: It doesn’t help that he’s creeping on her in the shower either.

34:56    Mona Lisa on the etch-a-sketch is amazing.  That’s talent.  

37:09    Buddy to Gimbel’s Santa: “You disgust me, how can you live with yourself?  You sit on a throne of lies!” This is also what I say to my boss when he doesn’t deliver a file on time.   

40:30    Eating the cotton balls in Jon Favreau’s doctor’s office.  Will Ferrell you are awesome.  Also, I do enjoy Jon Favreau but honestly this whole blood test doctor role could have been done by Wallace Langham. This is a missed opportunity.
    Ginger: Fastest paternity test ever.

44:05    Buddy’s maple syrup on the spaghetti speaks to my heart.  I ask for syrup every time I go out for brunch even though I don’t eat waffles or pancakes.  I like to put it on my potatoes and eggs.
    “You like sugar, huh?”
    “Is there sugar in syrup?  
    “Yes.”    
    “Then yes.  We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy cane,          candy corn, and syrup.”

46:50    Mary Steenburgen is a dream.  She’s beautiful, her face still moves, she is sweetly believable, and she can manage to hold her own against Will Ferrell (she’s in Stepbrothers too).  

50:56    Does it surprise anybody to hear that James Caan is on the Naughty List?  I bet that’s true to life.  James Caan, while a great actor, is probably a very naughty boy.  Probably definitely.

52:04    Buddy to Michael:  “So good news, I saw a dog today.”  Also ‘son of a nutcracker’ is totally my new favorite curse.

53:51    I have no trouble believing that Will Ferrell is like this in real life.  Hyper and like a kid.  

59:46    “Buddy the elf, what’s your favorite color?” is how I want to answer the phones all day long at work.  

1:01:30    Ginger: So, uh, are you gonna open that chocolate bar?  (Not even in the movie, folks.  I’m totally off book.  And now she's upset that instead of answering I wrote it down.)

1:02:48    “I love syrup.  Oh I love it.”  Dumps the rum into the coffee.  Duuuuuude.  Buddy, you rock.

1:05:15    Buddy’s date is amazing.  He takes Jovie to a divey cafe for the “world’s best cup of coffee”.  He takes her running around in a revolving door.  He skips down the street hand-in-hand with her looking at Christmas trees until she takes him to Rockefeller plaza.  Then they go ice skating and kiss.  Perfection.  In a very weird way.

1:07:30    Peter Dinklage!!  Tyrion Lannister himself, folks.  He’s the most arrogant and angry children’s book writer ever.  “No, no tomatoes.  They’re too vulnerable.  Kids are already vulnerable.”  

1:09:04    Buddy and Peter Dinklage’s exchange is perfect.
    “I didn’t know you had elves working here!”
    “You’re hilarious, my friend.”
    “Does Santa know that you left the workshop?”
    “You know, we’re all laughing our heads off.”
    “Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?”
    “Hey jackweed I get more action in a week than you get in your entire life... Call me        elf one more time.”
    “He’s an angry elf.”

1:14:01    James Caan to his boss: “Up yours.”

1:15:30    Santa’s sleigh crashed into central park because everything happens in New York.  EVERYTHING.  Except CSI. (No, shush. We never speak of... the OTHER.)

1:19:24    The Central Park Ranger horses look a lot like Nazgul mounts.  Ringwraiths.  Think about it.

1:21:06    Listen all you unbelievers, you dubious sad sacks: you’re the ones grounding Santa’s sleigh.  It runs on Christmas spirit.  Like with fairies, you have to believe.  So start clapping your hands for Tinkerbell and singing carols for Santa, stat.

1:25:30    Jovie starts a singalong and I kinda feel like I should join in.  It’s almost impossible not to sing along with Christmas carols.  It’s like a genetic compulsion.  We’re built to participate in caroling.  

1:29:46     James Caan believes and is reformed.  The family is united.  Buddy writes the first hit for James Caan’s new publishing company.  Buddy and Jovie hook up and have a baby.  They visit Papa Elf in the North Pole frequently.  Happy Christmas!

If you say you don’t like this movie, I have only one thing to say in reply:  YOU SIT ON A THRONE OF LIES!  This movie is gold.  Buddy the elf is everybody’s Christmas spirit animal.

- Corinne Simpson