**Halt! There be SPOILERS a-plenty below.**
I am going to write a play called The Diva Declarations. It will not be about genitalia and womanhood, it will be entirely comprised of Naomi-isms. “I did not appear on the first September issue of Anna Wintour’s American Vogue by going in front of Anna Wintour and saying to her ‘This has been my life story, I’ve never met my father’ no, she doesn’t want to hear it.” I’ll probably open with the cupcake thing because god, genius. I might close with “Nobody is your friend in a competition. No one.”
It will also be a play about duality. I recall back in the days of yore when a young lass named Madeleine shed a tear or two over her too-small shoes and the Wrath of Naomi didst rain down upon her. Was she going to cry in front of the press? Is that what she was going to do? Fast forward to Sandra having a complete breakdown in the midst of runway rehearsal and Naomi bestowing upon her a pep talk. A stern pep talk but not a scathing one. There is yin and there is yang and Naomi is both, bitches. She plays whatever hand she wants to, cards dealt be damned.
Let’s talk about Team Coco’s triumphs before the hammer falls. Margaux wins the individual trial. She beats Devyn, the last model standing. Hey I like Devyn. She’s striking and she works it but girlfriend, listen, when you are beat you are done and don’t narc because, to quote my beloved Catherine Willows from CSI, “Nobody likes a tattletale.” Words to live by. Speaking of Catherine, I would love to see her go head-to-head with Naomi. Well, head-to-collarbone I guess. Naomi is very tall. Either way. Sparks! Fire! Sass! I digress. Congratulations, Margaux. You earn that one.
Then... Marlee: exeunt stage left. She voluntarily eliminates herself to take care of her family and their financial woes. Noblesse oblige. Be well, young mama.
Wait, we were talking about Team Coco’s triumphs. The runway challenge. Stephanie Lalanne, ooh la la, girlfriend, work it out! She rocks that bridal gown with such confidence and poise and personality I feel like applauding in my living room. Coco’s face is delightful. She beams with pride. It’s joyous to behold. Margaux walks well but stumbles on her way back up the stairs. Here’s the thing about that: she keeps herself together and if a fall is good enough for Jennifer Lawrence getting her Oscar it’s good enough for The Face, you know? Margaux, you’re in good company is all I’m saying. Brittany manages to be at once weirdly watchable and utterly forgettable. Leading to, later, another Naomi-ism for the books. “Yesterday Kleinfeld. Terry Hall did not remember you. When you wear a black wedding dress on the runway - a BLACK wedding dress, I will reiterate the word - you already have a color we don’t see wedding dresses in so you’ve got to bring that alive and I did not see that. And neither did he.”
I might love Naomi.
The other girls. Madeleine - pretty but unmemorable until she flubs the stairs. Ebony - striking but unsure. Devyn - girlfriend brings it, no lie. Sandra - well she doesn’t mess up for all her caterwauling in rehearsal but she’s not my choice. Zi Lin - trust a pageant girl to kill it with style in a gigantic 20+ pound wedding dress. Jocelyn - all I can do is sing Cher’s ‘Heart of Stone’ except I substitute face for heart. The audience votes and Team Naomi takes it. Karolina puts Ebony up for elimination and Coco selects Brittany.
It’s like the Spanish Inquisition up in there. Naomi is judging you, trust. Girls, you need to take a page from Stephanie’s playbook. She has survived two eliminations now and let me tell you how: class. She owns her inexperience and professes her fierce desire to learn more. We, the home viewers, are not the slightest bit interested in your tales of woe. If we wanted personal drama we’d read Dickens or Bronte, you know? Naomi isn’t interested in your sob story either. Don’t bore her in the elimination room of all places! Naomi spares Ebony and Brittany goes bye bye.
And then there were two. Team Coco, extreme disadvantage! Except not because Margaux and Stephanie are strong as hell and the only two really on a par are Devyn and Zi Lin. And they’re each on separate teams. So Team Coco, buck up lil campers! All is not lost!
Tune in next week when I finally gather enough Naomi-isms to wallpaper my room.