Sharknado: Revisited

A week ago SyFy premiered their disaster movie Sharknado.  It was an epic event.  Bombastic and impossible and much-ballyhooed on Twitter.  It's Friday.  We can't be serious all the time.  Let's celebrate the impending weekend by revisiting Sharknado.  Especially since Sharknado 2 has now been announced...

In which I watch Sharknado so you don't have to.  (You're welcome.)   

SPOILERS!  All ye spoiler-averse who will simply not be able to go on living if you learn the climactic secrets of Sharknado before you're ready, here there be SPOILERS.  You've been told. 

Let's begin.

Sharknado is blowing my mind.  It’s got so much crazy badness in it I can’t even find words and it’s only been four minutes.

The shark flew through the air into the guy and then gobbled him up.  That actually happened.

Where would all these sharks have come from?  Why would the storm only pick up sharks and not any other type of sea life?  How can it be that specific?

“There’s something about the waves.  There’s something unnatural about them."  “There’s something unnatural about everything.”  Actual dialogue.

Steve Sanders.  You’ve come a long way since the Peach Pit, haven’t you?

Well I think you were attacked by a shark, Miss Waitress With A Not At All Too Convenient Shark-Related Backstory. 

Did that chick just call Steve Sanders grandpa?  That hurts my heart!

“I’m pretty sure a person couldn’t out-swim a shark.”  - Ginger (my roommate)

The sharks are riding the surf into the beach and devouring people as they go. 

Steve Sanders just beaned a shark with his surfboard.  Huh.

Waitress is the most convincing actress ever.  That was sarcasm.

She is afraid of sharks because of her secret shark-related back story that is not a secret.  Spoiler.

Dude just suffered a shark attack and now he’s got a bandaid on and is drinking.

John Heard?  Is that you?

Tara Reid.  Playing a shark-related ex-wife version of Tara Reid.

A shark was just blown through the window on a wave and ate someone mid-air.

And now the shark has been killed by a pool cue. 

Shark-related backstory moment!  See the fear?  Yeah, that’s her backstory.

JAWS reference. 

Sad Steve Sanders is sad about his trashed restaurant.

The freeway is flooded because of the hurricane so the sharks are swimming inland on the freeway.  Explain to me how the water is shallow enough that Steve Sanders can drive in it without it touching the windows but deep enough that sharks can swim in it.

The rearview mirror is a vista of a funnel cloud filled with sharks.

The trapped dog!  Unfair SyFy! 

John Heard just got eaten by a shark. 

“It’s not gonna stop at the coast.  They’re gonna swim everywhere.”

“He’s way zen because he’s a surfer.”  - Ginger, after Steve Sanders times the waves and drives the car between the walls of water.

Australian Dude, you are the red shirt.  You are toast, my friend.  The only reason you’re still here is so you can die.

The acting in this is so bad.  So very bad.  But it serves to make you more glad for the shark attacks so in that way it’s good self-PR.

Waitress definitely has shark issues.

“Looks like it’s that time of the month.”  OH SHARKNADO.

Did Steve Sanders just fend off a shark with a fishing pole?

Does this storm have something personal against Steve Sanders?  It seems as though it is targeting him.

Steve Sanders just hit on Waitress in front of Tara Reid.  Stay classy, Steve Sanders.

Tara Reid is just the worst.  I’m sorry but she is the absolute end.  She is so awful.

Steve Sanders is the ultimate boy scout, apparently, because he is absolutely prepared for any emergency, be it shark battle or spontaneous rappelling.

Steve Sanders saved an entire schoolbus full of children solo.  But I bet you he loses the teacher.  I bet the teacher is the one who dies so that Steve Sanders feels the burden of losing him.

I think a flying shark attack is imminent.

Called it.

That was a ballsy rescue.  I was wrong about the teacher this time but mark my words he’s not going to last. 

Steve Sanders nearly died and then Tara Reid made an expression of... um, relief?  Sorrow?  Wistfulness?  I really can’t tell what she’s ever thinking.

Teacher bit it.  Not a shark, a roof.

Wait, there are things in those water spouts.  Steve Sanders narrows his eyes and peers intently into the distance.  There are sharks in those waterspouts!  Sharknado has arrived.

The shark just bit through the roof of the car?  How did the shark even...?  Does anybody know where a shark’s mouth is?  It’s on the bottom of the neck, essentially... they can’t just head-on bite through a metal sheet... why am I even thinking about this? 

The car just blew up.  It was just immersed in water, nobody lit a cigarette, Steve Sanders yelled “I smell gas” and seconds later it blew up.

The Government with the big capital G is behind Sharknado.  Now you know.

There is never not a good time for a good car driving/rock anthem montage.

“They should have used the A-Team van.”  - Ginger

Is this truck the DeLorean? 

Omigod sharknado!  The sharks are all swimming around in the tornado!  Like a funnel with one hundred fins.  It’s intense and so totally scientifically impossible.

I don’t even know what expression you’re making, Tara Reid!

Their plan of attack is totally worthy of the A-Team, I have to say.  They are going to bomb the tornado funnels from in the air because the heat from the explosion will neutralize the air differential causing the tornado thus ending the funnel.  I pity the fool who questions this plan.

Waitress’ backstory is totally shark-related and not at all a complete cliché or exact duplicate of the old man from JAWS’ story.  Ginger can identify JAWS dialogue in a cold second.

They’re flying a helicopter directly into a tornado and there are sharks flying through the air around them.  There are Great Whites zipping past the window at top speed and Steve Sanders’ son is holding a helicopter steady in a tornado.  I can’t even.

How in the name of all science did their bomb plan work?

What the hell?  Steve Sanders is shooting sharks out of the air with a hand gun.  A shark is swinging from Australian Dude’s leg.

There’s a shark in the power lines.

Some guy’s legs were just eaten by a shark and then another shark landed on his head. 

The retirement home by the airport has clients that appear to be forty.  I guess that’s what retirement looks like in Hollywood. 

Steve Sanders is going to blow up the swimming pool. 

Meanwhile back in the helicopter they’ve blown up two tornados.

“Who is that up there?”  Steve Sanders:  “That’s my son.”

The shark just swam up the funnel cloud.  IT SWAM UP THE FUNNEL CLOUD.

Waitress got sucked out of the helicopter.  Into a shark.

I am pretty sure a shark just face-planted in front of Graumann’s Chinese Theatre.

“One man versus the sharknado.”  - Ginger, as Steve Sanders prepares to face the sharknado alone.

There’s a big red button labeled ‘nitrous’ in Steve Sanders’ A-Team-esque truck.  He pressed the button, lit the bomb, aimed the truck at the sharknado, leaped from the truck, and blew up the tornado.

Now he is running down the street with a chainsaw while sharks fly overhead. 

A Great White just completely ate Steve Sanders.  The bad acting reactions to this moment are so painful.

Now Steve Sanders is chainsawing his way out from inside the Great White in a spray of blood.  The orchestration swells.

A bloody Steve Sanders just lurched out of the side of the Great White, dragging Waitress behind him.

Steve Sanders’ son gave Waitress one breath of CPR and she breathed again. 

“I really hate sharks.”  - Waitress

Tara Reid and Steve Sanders, despite having shown negative numbers of chemistry between them the entire movie, kiss.

Sharknado was the weirdest thing I have ever seen and I have watched Mulholland Falls.  

- Corinne Simpson