So VampireNomad and I sat down to discuss polygamy…and why polygamy you ask? Well, I have an affliction with polygamy and not for the reasons you may think. Personally I have no issues with it if there are no child brides or abuse of any kind. Adults can make whatever decisions they want for themselves. I am always in awe that all these women can live together and share one man.
But somehow a conversation like this goes awry (you’re not surprised given the two people discussing this, are you?) In a zombie apocalypse, we would take seven male celebs and have a polygamist relationship.
RantingnRaven: So I think I'd make a perfect polygamist wife.
VampireNomad: Do tell!
RantingnRaven: Well, I like my personal space so I wouldn't have to see my husband (depending on how many sister wives I had) more than two days a week and that works for me. However, I'd have to have a lot of babies, which might wreck my alone time.
VampireNomad: I may not be an expert on children but I can definitively say that babies wreck alone time.
RantingnRaven: Ha! Absolutely they do. Time suckers.
VampireNomad: I definitely see your point about time away from the husband, though. I would love that aspect. I joke about needing a "full time / part time" lover. Meaning one who is full time dedicated to me but only really around part time. I like space.
RantingnRaven: I think that's doable in this day and age in a monogamous relationship. Polygamy makes one too beholden to lots of other people.
VampireNomad: The thing I dislike about polygamy is the sharing. (Well and the wardrobe, obviously. And all the babies.) But mostly the sharing. I'm not a share-er really. There are a lot of good reasons why I'd never choose to be a mistress (standing up for fellow women, it's kind of twisted, I'm not a homewrecker, etc) but one very good reason is that I believe myself to be the main course, not a side dish. I want to be the only feast around. I don't want to just be dessert. You know? And polygamy makes you part of a buffet, which I dislike.
RantingnRaven: Good analogies...I agree with all those points. I sans share my lover with others. Don't like it...I get all uppity. I, too, prefer to be the main course. I couldn't handle knowing that my husband was down the hall or next door with his other wife.
VampireNomad: Quite so. I like the part time aspect but not if he's knock-knock-knocking on other bedroom doors.
RantingnRaven: baahahha! Knock knock knocking on others doors...ey, ey, ey ee yi e yi...(insert the Axl Rose—Guns n Roses—version of Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door and not Bob Dylan)
RantingnRaven: Sorry slight digression. We are totally not even able to be serious at this point.
VampireNomad: There's another thing I object to about polygamy, of course: the implicit sexism of it. (SERIOUSLY.)
VampireNomad: Look, if men can have a stable of wives why can't women have a stable of husbands? It's so rampantly patriarchal.
RantingnRaven: The more wives and kids you have the better reservation in heaven though.
VampireNomad: I really can't tell people not to believe what they believe. Freedom of belief and religion is one of the marvelous things about liberty. But I can say, for myself, that I find the patriarchal polygamist stance to be horseshit.
RantingnRaven: I agree. How many men can actually exist with all these women anyway? It is sexist. I don't think a man, of any faith, would be with a woman if he was just one of the guys. It is totally patriarchal BS.
VampireNomad: I don't think any man who honestly understands the power of a woman and the immersion that marriage is would really WANT more than one. Triple everything great about marriage but triple everything infuriating about it too.
RantingnRaven: Yes the power of women...polygamists actually think (obviously) that their religion is more empowering to women. But triple the craziness and all the different personalities. It's not like all the sister wives get along.
VampireNomad: Omigod, girl I love you and you are a dear friend but can you imagine if even the two of us were sister wives? I think one of us would be dead in a hot minute if we had to share everything including a man.
RantingnRaven: Ha! I love you too, but I couldn't share a man with you. Yes, one of us would surely see an untimely death.
I saw an interview with a sister wife whose husband had 7 wives. She was the first wife. She said she was immensely jealous in the beginning, She felt the best place to be in the marriage is like #3. You already know there are other wives before you and the jealousy is less.
VampireNomad: The fact that any man can amass enough women to have one for every day of the week makes my head hurt. Most men I know don't even have enough socks for every day of the week.
RantingnRaven: The man with seven wives has enough wives to wash his socks if he doesn't have seven pairs…
VampireNomad: facepalm I can't even....
RantingnRaven: bahahha! And traditionally they wear 3 pairs of underwear...just saying. There are no quickies.
VampireNomad: And only men get to do this! It's crap. Because if I had seven husbands of my choosing stashed in seven houses I'd make that count. I have seven hot names I'd pick, I tell you. Men with their own fortunes. I'd have a stable of celebrities.
What about you? Let's dream cast our brother-husbands.
RantingnRaven: Sounds good. #1 is Benjamin Bratt
VampireNomad: Oooh 2?
RantingnRaven: Adam Beach
VampireNomad: Nice. 3?
RantingnRaven: Robert Downey Jr.
VampireNomad: D'oh! Me too. God. But your list first. Obviously he's amazing. 4?
RantingnRaven: Why thank you ;) Jude Law...both Downey and Law together in Sherlock Holmes...omg
VampireNomad: haha! Your perfect sandwich?
RantingnRaven: Yes...ooh la la.
VampireNomad: Delish! 5?
RantingnRaven: John Corbett
VampireNomad: Oooh isn't he the Sex and the City hottie?
RantingnRaven: Yes...love love love him.
VampireNomad: Gorgeous. Truly.6?
RantingnRaven: Woody Harrelson because I like some humour.
VampireNomad: Bwahahahaha! And in case of zombies…
RantingnRaven: Ha! True that.
VampireNomad: Gotta be prepared. 7?
RantingnRaven: #7 Jason Sudeikis
VampireNomad: He's cute. He's like next-door neighbor cute.
RantingnRaven: He is. And I love funny and witty, classy humour. You never know when there will be a zombie apocalypse.
VampireNomad: YOU NEVER KNOW~
RantingnRaven: LMAO...Zombie Apocolypse and our seven polygamist husbands...that's the title of this piece.
VampireNomad: This may be our definitive work.
RantingnRaven: OMG, THIS.MIGHT.BE our definitive work...shakes head
So what about you? Number 1?
VampireNomad: We only have one crossover! Go us! So we'll start with him. Robert Downey Jr. Grrrrrowl.
Enough said…fans self
RantingnRaven: Love him. I hate to say it but some of his best work was when he was high.
VampireNomad: Don't say it. We want him healthy and long-lived.
RantingnRaven: Yes, yes we do. #2
VampireNomad: Tom Hardy. O.M.G. Those LIPS. That BACK. The talent.
RantingnRaven: Is that why you like him? His lips are nice and kissable? Yes the talent is phenomenal.
VampireNomad: I like him for reasons that we don't have time to get into. I could write an essay.
Let's go Coles Notes version: talent and lips.
RantingnRaven: Ok, so you like him enough to forego poetry and write an epic ballad?
RantingnRaven: You're so Victorian...
VampireNomad: That's... the first time I've ever been called that.
RantingnRaven: LMAO...well that's what they and the romantics did, essentially. #3
VampireNomad: George Eads. Maybe better known to you (and everyone else) as Nick Stokes from CSI.
RantingnRaven: CSI? Of course. He is handsome. He seems innocent.
VampireNomad: He seems very Texan. Which... there are pros and cons. But I do adore that square-jawed dark-haired lawman thing he's got going on.
RantingnRaven: Oh my yes. He'd look good eating crackers on your Ikea bed…
VampireNomad: DIES LAUGHING
VampireNomad: Oh god girl...
VampireNomad: Idris Elba. He is very... he's very VERY... just very. sigh
RantingnRaven: Oh I don't know him. But I looked him up. He's British, which seriously the accent alone makes me quiver.
VampireNomad: The Wire and Luther show such disparate sides of him. He's stunning. In a lot of ways.
RantingnRaven: hmmm, I'll have to watch something that he is in, so I can have an informed opinion.
VampireNomad: Let's go see Pacific Rim!
RantingnRaven: Is he in it?
VampireNomad: Yes, it's a thematic question. Lol.
RantingnRaven: Lol…thought so. #5
VampireNomad: Harry Connick Jr.
RantingnRaven: OMG, I love him too. I know you love him for all the ways he is varied and also his connection to New Orleans
VampireNomad: Yes! He's unbelievable live. His raw talent... man. And New Orleans. And it doesn't hurt that he's eaaaaasy on the eyes.
RantingnRaven: He is so eassssy on the eyes. PS I love you is one of my favourite chick flicks and I love his awkwardness.
VampireNomad: (Oh, PS I Love You has my girl crush in it!)
RantingnRaven: I used to fall asleep to a cd I had of his music. Hilary?
VampireNomad: GUH no. Not Hilary.
VampireNomad: Gina Gershon. Always and forever.
RantingnRaven: Aww Gina. She's truly underrated.
VampireNomad: Agreed! And she's a good singer.
RantingnRaven: Yes she is! #6
VampireNomad: Peter Dinklage!
RantingnRaven: a little person?
VampireNomad: LOL. Yes. I'm equal rights. And I'm clearly a sucker for raw talent. And also he is really beautiful. And Tyrion Lannister. I am Team Tyrion in Game of Thrones!
RantingnRaven: ok so #7...who did you leave for last?
VampireNomad: Alexander Skarsgard. That tall Nordic drink of immortal bad-boy water. As Eric Northman,naturally.
RantingnRaven: Yummy! Seriously he is hot!
VampireNomad: He so is! And he could keep me safe from a zombie attack, I feel. Or else Harry could just play music to soothe the savage beasts.
RantingnRaven: oh you are smooth...
RantingnRaven: yes he would and Harry would sing a little ditty to keep the zombies entranced while Robert Downey Jr. goes all crazy on their asses.
VampireNomad: Oh, that would make a great movie. I'd watch it, anyway.
RantingnRaven: Yes, yes it would...maybe a B movie with A+ actors
VampireNomad: Like Sharknado? <snicker>
RantingnRaven: Just like Sharknado
VampireNomad: Hahahahahaha…but with Robert Downey Jr. in the Steve Sanders role. And zombies instead of sharks.
RantingnRaven: I think we have an instant hit.
VampireNomad: God, why are we not studio execs? Harvey Weinstein, call us!
RantingnRaven: Exactly. We have awesome ideas. We just haven't been "found" yet
VampireNomad: I feel it's only a matter of time. Either that or it's only a matter of time before we're locked up....
RantingnRaven: <Chuckles> I believe that too...at least that's why I keep going to my job every day. Nope they couldn't handle us. We are better on the outside.
VampireNomad: Too loco for the inside? Anyway, we have fourteen unstable husbands between us. A prison break would be imminent.
RantingnRaven: Way too loco...HAHAHHA...<laughing out loud; in hysterics...>
VampireNomad: Oooooh god, this is too much fun.
RantingnRaven: Shit, we sure picked a frightful lot...they'd be at each other's throats in a polygamist relationship. Too much masculinity.
VampireNomad: Is that a thing? "Too much masculinity"?
RantingnRaven: Well I think if all 7 of our choices were in a house together then yes.
VampireNomad: At least I picked someone with a script-based knowledge of forensic science to clean up the mess....
RantingnRaven: Shit ya...you did. We'll be neighbours then…