What search through yonder window breaks?

People find their way here through a truly staggering array of searches.  Sometimes I like to examine the searches to see what content is popular and what kind of knowledge people hunger for.  And sometimes I'm frankly just outright entertained as hell by the things that are being looked up online. 

Yes, intrepid online explorers, I'm talking directly to you now.  I'm sure the rest of your searches, the ones I don't see, are even nuttier but let me say for the record that some of the things that bring all of you out this way are fascinating.  And weird.  But we welcome you with open arms.  Whatever your particular itch, I'm fairly sure we have something for you to read that will scratch it.  Mostly.  Some of you may have to just settle for... something else. 

I should also mention that this post is by special request.  You know who you are, O Requester Of A Search Query Post. ;)

 

‘witches,slaves and vampire novels’
I guess this is essentially a summation of what I am generally on about if by witches you mean ‘American Horror Story: Coven’ and the one time I wrote about Tituba, by slaves you mean “I am a slave to CSI”, and obviously I’m a vampire.  So... welcome weary traveler!  The internet is vast and so often fruitless.  But you have found an oasis here.  Be at peace.  Read about witches.  And slaves(?).  And vampires.  And also... novels.

‘nice. one. pinking. star. barbie.’
Gods of analysis, don’t fail me now!
Nice.  Self-explanatory.  Pleasant, agreeable, easy to accept.  One.  As in The One or just one?  One is the loneliest number, you know.  Pinking.  Hmm, pinking.  Isn’t that a sewing term?  I am way out of my depth if it is.  Research time.  Right!  Pinking shears.  It’s those scissors that cut in a zigzag pattern.  Alright, star.  Either a star in the sky or a superstar.  And Barbie.  Owner of a Corvette, a camper, and a mansion - all pink.  Sometime dater of Ken.  Haver of blonde hair and and many outfits.  Non-haver of genitalia.  
The one nice Barbie who is a star with pinking shears?
When have we ever talked about those things either singularly or in some unholy combination?  Searcher, whoever you are, I hope you found something here because I’m not sure anybody can offer the precise thing that you’re looking for.  But keep on hoping, kiddo.  Keep on hoping.

‘god must have spent a little more time on you song meaning’
I have your back on that one, inquisitive searcher.  I broke that song down but good.  Did you glean all the wisdom you hoped from NSync on that outing?  I know I’ve been lax in spreading the NSync Gospel but soon I shall read from their word again.  Until that day, hang onto that which they have already imparted unto us.  Be of good faith.  

‘vampire caught in indonesia’
Let it go!  It can’t survive in captivity.

‘naked kira from the dark crystal’
Unless I miss your meaning, intrepid searcher... uh... you’re searching for Dark Crystal porn.  Aren’t you?  Dude, I don’t even know how to break it to you but Kira was a puppet.  Well technically a kind of Muppet, a Jim Henson puppet, the very best quality, but still not a real thing.  And also, as a gelfling, exquisitely annoying.  I don’t want to openly ridicule whatever floats your boat and so long as you’re all consenting adults and so on and so forth... but honestly, puppet porn?  More to the point, GELFLING puppet porn?  Raise your standards, please.  At the very least search Team America: World Police and get properly schooled in porn.

‘ikea haul malm’
Does this mean “Hey, check out my IKEA haul, including this Malm” or “Yo IKEA, haul that Malm to my truck”?  Punctuation is everything, kids.  Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

‘hunter and mccall fan fiction’
Well of course now I want to read some.  
I am consistently surprised (and kind of touched) by the number of ‘Hunter’ fans out there.  Welcome!  I should write more about these two crazy 80s detectives, clearly.  They had adventures and then some.  They never did hook up, though.  I mean in canon.  But stupid details like facts have never stopped fans from rectifying those oversights in fanfic.  I hope you find what you’re looking for, friend.  And when you do, would you please come back and post the link here?  Awesome.   

‘“took off her shoes”’
Ummm.  Yes.  
Is this a Cinderella thing?  

‘put your clothes on sally draper flowers in the attic’
This is perfection.  I have nothing to add.  You put your clothes on, Sally Draper!  Put them on!

However you get here, thank you for reading.  Come back any time!  Sometimes we make s'mores.  Okay I jest, we don't make s'mores - I'm not allowed to handle matches without supervision.  Anyway, stay as long as you like regardless of why you came.

Except you, gelfling porn person.  I've got my eye on you. 

 

- Corinne Simpson