Nathan's Museum: "It's a Laserium."

I wrote, on January 3rd, about the exciting changes we're bringing to VampireNomad this year.  And I included this introduction to our new Thursday feature: 

We have a delicious new feature this year.  By special arrangement with Nathan Waddell we here at VampireNomad are thrilled to announce that we will curate a touring exhibition of his greatest works.  On loan from his personal collection and archive, Pooing in the Woods, this collection will feature one-of-a-kind works previously only seen by permission of the artist himself.  This is a wondrous opportunity.  Every Thursday a new work will be unveiled for the exclusive enjoyment of VampireNomad readers.  

I was all set to just recap and add this: 

Dear readers, we are delighted to welcome you to Nathan’s Museum.

Except that Nathan emailed me and insisted "It's a Laserium."  Do you know what a Laserium is?  No, neither does he.  He explained it thusly: "Laserium is just a word that was one of the first I ever learned to read. 'Lethal Laserium' it said,on ROM #2 from like 1980 or something. I wondered what it was, a Laserium."  

I looked it up.  Laserium is a concert laser experience.  You know, laser projections combined with music like in the Pink Floyd Experience.  Mind-bending light shows and stuff like that.  It has nothing to do with a museum but my god, people, we are not bound by convention here!  If Nathan wants to house his archives in a Laserium, damn that is freaking cool.  So now when you read his collected works every Thursday you can imagine that you're drifting high in some darkened arena listening to ear-splitting Pink Floyd at the same time.  With lasers!

Dear readers, we are delighted to welcome you to Nathan's Laserium.


Zach woke up feeling confused and disoriented. There was a septic smell, and he realized he was in a hospital. He sat up in alarm. Nightmarish, incoherent images flitted through his mind- but the only thing he clearly remembered was the ambulance. Pushing these thoughts aside, he took stock of his body. Three fingers on his right hand were missing, and he was pretty sure they had been there before. His head was wrapped in a big bandage, like a mummy. Perhaps most alarming of all, there was a very large discolored patch on his left leg.

A nurse came into the room. "You're awake!" she said. "How are you feeling?"

"What happened to me?" Zach asked.

"You had a very close call but you're going to be alright."

"Okay, but, what happened?"

The nurse stopped fiddling with his EKG and IV drip, and looked at Zach. "It's best if your doctor tells you directly. He's on the floor right now doing rounds so he should be here soon." She smiled at him. She had a nice smile, gentle and pleasingly assymetrical. Zach found her attractive and decided to trust her.  A distinguished looking gentleman entered the room. The nurse introduced him. "Zach, this is your physician, Dr. Moon."

"Hello Zach," Dr. Moon said. 

"Doctor. Can you please just say what happened to me?" Zach didn't fail to notice the quick glance Dr. Moon exchanged with the nurse, whose name Zach realized he didn't know. She coughed and excused herself, and Zach wanted to call out and ask her her name. Anything to get her to stay. But he said nothing.

"Zach, you had a very close call, but you were lucky. I believe you will make a full recovery. Undoubtedly you've noticed your missing fingers- I had to cut them off. It seemed the best option. With your leg, we felt we could save it with some aggressive treatment, and it seems to be responding well. The vitasticizing regions are shrinking, and theStreptococcus pyogenes we applied are stabilizing the affected area nicely."

"Vitastisizing . . . I don't even . . . why won't anyone just tell me what happened?"

Dr. Moon sighed. Finally he said, "Alright. This will be hard for you to believe. Zach, you were exposed to a consecrated substance. Holy water. You were attacked by nuns."

"Nuns? That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as nuns. You're just messing with me, right?"

"I'm afraid not. A whole convent of nuns attacked Deadmonton yesterday in full daylight. They managed to resurrect and convert several zombies and vampires before they were contained. Your grave was one of the ones exhumed, but we were able to save you."

Zach tried to absorb this crazy news. His defingered hand went up to his brow, and touched the bandage there. "What about this, then? Why did you operate on my brain?"

"A CAT scan showed some activity in your cerebral cortex. We think you were exposed to a crucifix. We decided to lobotomize it to be safe. We saved some grey matter for you if you like, sometimes our patients like to celebrate their recovery by snacking on their brains."

Zach nodded, the enormity of the news still not totally sinking in. Brain snacks seemed like a minor matter compared to everything else he had learned. He looked down at the skin-colored portion of his leg, in such stark contrast with the greenish hue of the rest of his body. It was probably just his imagination, but it seemed like he could almost see the flesh-eating bacteria munching away. A beep sounded from across the room, and Dr. Moon excused himself to check on the other patient in the room. For the first time, Zach realized he wasn't alone. The zombie in the other bed looked to be in even better shape than he was, the poor bastard. His EKG beeped again. A third time.

Dr. Moon erupted into action, pressing the alarm button to call for help. "Code Blue! We have a heartbeat in 313."

In the flurry of activity, Zach took comfort in his own heart-rate monitor, which showed a nice, comforting flat line. In a world with nuns running around bringing zombies back to life, Zach was just happy to be undead.


By Nathan Waddell, originally posted at Pooing in the Woods