A Live Blog
Spoilers. Sometimes I kind of resent having to warn about spoilers in a post that is blatantly titled 'A Live Blog' because you guys, it's impossible to live blog and avoid spoilers. Anyway, spoilers.
1:03 I don’t know why I’m allowing myself to watch a haunted house/spooky child film before bed but here goes nothing sane.
1:35 I like Patrick Wilson. His real-life wife seems like she’d be a kick to hang out with. I don’t mind Rose Byrne either - though, confession, to me she’ll always be Briseis in Troy. What? I mean who the hell watched Troy? Five times?
3:23 Some apparently seventies parents have contacted a blonde woman and are showing her photos of their son. There’s a sinister creeptastic shadow thing behind him in every one.
4:05 No, I don’t know who any of these people are. I’m guessing flashback people. Haunted flashback people who are likely about to die.
5:48 Blonde woman, why do you want to talk to the creepy woman the son sees in his dreams? Are you a sadist?
7:31 They’re playing hot and cold over walkies while the son is in a trance and the blonde woman searches for the dream thing in - surprise - the kid’s bedroom closet.
8:40 A thing in the closet clawed the blonde woman. She says it’s a parasite who wants to be the son. Yeah, sure, that sounds reasonable.
10:18 The title flashes onscreen in glaring red letters with a screaming discordant soundtrack. Subtle this movie ain’t. Also the kid was totally Patrick Wilson and the blonde woman was young version of psychic Elyse who totally hypnotized him to forget his ‘ability’ to see ‘parasites’. So... that absolutely won’t come back to bite anyone in the ass later.
12:14 Full disclosure: I find baby monitors freaky full stop. Disembodied infant voices are not my idea of a good time.
13:50 Apparently this movie starts where the first movie ended. Rose Byrne is being interrogated by a detective about what happened at the end of the last movie: namely Elyse’s death and Patrick Wilson’s trance.
16:00 “I’m not interested in ghosts. I’m interested in the humans who create them.” Spoken like a true cop.
17:19 Patrick Wilson that is a blatant lie! You saw so many bad things in that room.
18:49 I don’t know how Rose Byrne can sit quietly anywhere at night with empty halls or doors around her and not go stark raving mad with terror. People in horror movies are crazy.
20:22 Do not like the square of red light from the window. Do not want.
21:07 Dun dun dunnn... baby fell out of bed. It MUST be a ghost. Babies do not fall right out of their own beds for godsakes. GHOST!
22:12 I’m not sure anyone can focus on anything other than the fact that you had to enter a dreamscape to slay a malevolent spirit who was trying to abduct your son while another was killing the psychic trying to help you, Patrick Wilson. But okay, sure, just forget all that and focus on the fact that you’re fine now.
23:55 The ghost hunter dudes just yelled ‘hunted ninja bear’ at each other and posed like they’re attacking.
25:02 Ghost hunter dudes uncovered an incriminating tape that totally reveals that Patrick Wilson is the haunted kid from the opener. Which I fully already called. Movie, catch up.
26:13 Why are you watching a horror movie in a haunted house, Barbara Hershey?
27:10 The kid just sleep-told Barbara Hershey that there’s someone standing behind her. Which is far creepier than actually having someone standing behind her, in my opinion. Horror movie kids are fucking creepy.
28:12 That damn musical kids toy needs to die a fiery burning death right now.
29:07 I miss Barbara Hershey’s original face.
30:54 “What’s wrong?” Rose Byrne, are you fully kidding me with that question? The kid was abducted by malevolent death spirits in a haunted house like a week ago. What do you think is wrong? That’s some awesome writing.
34:00 They are going to seance-contact Elyse. Ginger called it like ten minutes ago.
35:12 That musical kids toy is freaking possessed, okay? It is a tool of the devil and needs to be killed. All screamy musical kids toys should be approached with extreme caution.
36:05 Woman in white. Standard apparition. Very common. Though usually they don’t sing children’s songs over baby monitors.
37:17 The woman in white just jumped out at Rose Byrne and scared my roommate spitless. Classic jump-scare. The cat actually screeched because she scared him awake by jolting.
39:48 Ghost Elyse is like “fuck your dice, I’m gonna turn off all your lights and activate your TV instead”. She has no time for your dice games.
42:36 Patrick Wilson at his creepy best, smelling his passed out wife’s hair. Let’s not forget, everyone, that he is the skeevy pedo from Hard Candy.
43:17 Abandoned hospital? Check.
43:35 Discarded baby doll? Check.
44:59 Flashback to comatose old man suddenly grabbing child Patrick? Check.
46:00 Ghost of old man? Check.
47:29 Patrick Wilson yanked out one of his molars. Why is it always teeth? What is the deal with ghosts and teeth?
49:54 He’s super not comforting. If he were my husband in this moment I would be heartily side-eying him for telling me not to worry about things.
51:50 Didn’t you just say NOT to worry about things in the house, Patrick? Who wrote this? A very forgetful monkey?
52:44 Meanwhile, in Plot B, Barbara Hershey and the ghost hunters are totally Scooby Doo-ing their way around an abandoned house. Ruh-roh!
54:27 One of the ghost hunters had a doll house. Love. He totally called out his buddy for saying doll houses were girly.
56:35 “I have something to show you” is totally reminiscent of Event Horizon which scared the ever-loving bejesus out of me with “I have such wonderful things to show you”.
58:13 There’s a ghost girl yelling for help through the kid’s tin can walkie talkie.
58:34 Room full of ghosts! So many ghosts!
1:01:09 Stuff is happening. There’s ghost sounds. There’s slamming doors. The Scooby gang is trapped. I totally want them to run home to Patrick Wilson and rip his mask off to reveal dead psychic Elyse. She would have gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for those dang kids.
1:03:28 There’s a room full of sheeted dead people sitting in rows. Blerg. This is more a case for CSIs than ghost hunters.
1:05:14 Flashback to cross-dressing serial killer. This is very Psycho-esque with all the killing for mother issues.
1:08:15 Patrick Wilson looks like hell, man. Being a living conduit for the dead is not good for your complexion.
1:11:04 I forgot to introduce you to the new Elyse: a male friend of hers is helping the ghost hunter dudes by interrogating Patrick Wilson and, you know, picking his discarded teeth up off the floor.
1:13:46 Now possessed Patrick Wilson (confirmed by psychic dice) is trying to kill male friend and the ghost hunters.
1:15:11 Male friend is now in the spirit dimension with the spirit of real Patrick Wilson which means male friend is dead but Patrick Wilson is just possessed. You really need a score card to keep track of the alive and dead in this movie.
1:16:38 The spirit dimension is incredibly echo-y and full of blue fog.
1:18:43 Spirit Patrick Wilson is now looking at real Patrick Wilson from the previous movie. Which means in part of the previous movie Patrick Wilson was haunting himself. This is so meta, man.
1:22:09 Deepening the meta: spirit Patrick Wilson is now talking to his child self’s trance state. This is third level ghost Inception. But unlike third level actual Inception, there is no Tom Hardy on a snowmobile here. And really that would pump this movie up to a robust five stars - that’s what this movie is sorely lacking. Tom Hardy on a snowmobile.
1:24:58 Rose Byrne and Barbara Hershey are doing a lot of screaming and failing at battling the possessed Patrick Wilson back in the real world.
1:26:10 Possessed Patrick Wilson’s old age makeup is a fright. And not in a good way.
1:29:28 Spirit world Scooby gang have found their way into the fog-shrouded memory of the serial killer and his abusive mother. Lots of red lipstick and gender confusion in this memory. The serial killer was a boy named Parker that his mother wanted to turn into a girl named Marilyn. This is ironic because I just finished watching the CSI episode ‘Identity Crisis’ which was about serial killer Paul Millander being raised as Pauline Millander. Coincidence? Or just one of many ways in which CSI is the life blood of everything.
1:33:28 Borrowing from The Shining, Patrick Wilson bashes through a door in his attempt to kill Rose Byrne.
1:35:42 Elyse reveals her male friend is totes not dead, y’all! His spirit has a heart beat which, like, totally means his body is still alive. So he has to fight his way back to it with spirit Patrick Wilson now.
1:37:57 Rose Byrne does not believe Patrick Wilson’s spirit is reunited with Patrick Wilson’s body, you guys. It’s the sort of romantical dilemma that only spirit Inception can create.
1:39:08 Yes, because going into a trance to forget the spirit world WORKED SO WELL THE FIRST TIME!
1:39:40 Ginger: “Bet you the baby travels for Insidious 3.”
1:41:02 So now Elyse is a ghost ghost hunter.
1:42:07 That was.... not great. Not terrible, not great. A completely middling horror movie.
- Corinne Simpson