Many, though not all, of my Laserium posts are actually "archival footage" from my original blog, started back in 2002 under the nom-de-plume of Homie Bear. Mr. H Bear had many adventures though I've more or less outgrown the name, so I've tried to leave him be, and not import his ursineness over to this fine website. But when Corinne posted her NosBEARatu I figured that was the perfect opportunity to bring this, from 2006:
Lair of the ZomBear
Deep in the Woods, where it's all overgrown
There lurks a menace, unseen and unknown
Rotting flesh comes together in hideous dread
An army arises of animal undead!
Poor Homie Bear is fishing, quite unaware
That he's stumbled on the lair of the Fell Zombie Bear
"Grurp" Homie belched, as he spit out the bones
of the trout he had caught, into the pine cones
So he turned around and went back to fishing
Not hearing the bones make sounds of gut-squishing
The zombie fish pounced and Homie Bear yelped
As zombie fish scales smeared all over his pelt
Gross! Homie yelled as his paws made a splat
Crushing the zombie's putrid corpse flat
But Homie's ordeal wasn't over, as from the forest lurched
Zombie bees, zombie beavers, zombie birds, zombie birch
"Eeewww!" Homie said, "It's a whole zombie zoo
"Zombie elk, zombie rabbits, even zombie poo!"
"Brains!" the zombies groaned, "We eat you brains!
"We suck you guts and you blood from you veins!"
"No!" Homie said, "Anyone else you might scare
"But I am a big, bad, burly old bear!"
So Homie attacked, and zombie flesh flew
He killed 'em all (except for the poo)
But the King of the Zombies, the dread Zombie Bear
Emerged, dripping flesh, from his cavernous lair
"Rarrgh," roared the Zombear, and Homie's heart sank
Not only was it scary but the ugly thing stank!
But it was skeletally slow and not very smart
(It had eaten its own brain as well as its heart!)
So, bolder than a boulder and twice as brave
Homie lured the Zombear back into his cave
Simple and easy, like the best kind of traps
Homie kicked in a pillar and caused a collapse
The Zombear was buried in a pile of debris
And Homie went home, for another day free
But the Zombear was an undead corpse re-animation
And under them rocks he was just in snug hibernation!
- Nathan Waddell