Batman & Robin: A Live Blog

I’ve been watching From Dusk Till Dawn all weekend and have lost my mind over George Clooney’s beauty and charisma.  Is there anything the man can’t do?  Does he not have flaws?  He does actually.  At least one.  This is the live blog designed to level the playing field and remind us that we’re all only human.  Even our most glorious specimens have faults.  I present...

Batman & Robin
A Live Blog

:51    There are a lot of flying fonts happening.  A whole lot of flying fonts.

1:23    Was that a stunt butt?  Or am I actually looking at George Clooney’s rubber-clad butt in closeup?  

1:43    While I sincerely love the idea that Batman keeps the Batmobile on a hydraulic showroom pedestal, the Batmobile itself is a garish monstrosity with insane wings and some kind of nuclear fusion device in the hood.

2:22    “I want a car.  Chicks dig the car.”  Fuuuuuuuuck.  Why did I think this would be a good idea?

4:02    Joel Schumacher: singlehandedly keeping the dayglo industry alive.

5:00    “... everything freeeeeezes”.  Guh.  Arnold.  

5:31    “You are not sending me to the cooler.”  

5:48    Does.... does Robin fly?  What is that sideways gliding nonsense?  Is he a flying squirrel?

6:20    This isn’t a movie, Schumacher, this is a rave full of terrible puns.

7:00    Batblades?  What?  They clicked their heels and Batblades appeared in their boots because now this is actually a rejected production of ‘Stars on Ice’.

8:00    Eight minutes in and I’m already prepared to sell a limb to stop the awful cold puns.

9:05    Why does every vehicle in this have completely unnecessary protuberances?  It’s so painfully phallic.

10:00    Freeze kinda looks like a Borg if the Borg assimilated the 80s and UV nailpolish.

10:58    Clooney, I love you, but I am beyond even pity at this point.  I actually hurt for you.  I am physically pained.  But if I’m strictly honest, your performance is part of the pain.

12:07    Bat-Hoverboards?  B-overboards?  Bat-erboards?  Bat-gliders?  Batiders?  

12:34    I’m distracted from trying to figure out what all the idiotic gadgets are called by how much I loathe Chris O’Donnell’s “performance”.

14:03    I only just noticed that Freeze’s suit has glowing pec/breast domes.  And you thought the BatNipples were the worst design flaw this movie had to offer.  

15:34    Awkwardly rushed backstory?  Check.  Frumpy ‘before’ look?  Check.  Ham-handed “dialogue” written by a monkey on crack?  Check.  Ladies and gentlemen: the making of Poison Ivy.

17:55    This is the green-lit birth of Bane.  I forgot how many characters they used to cram into these things.  And this guy is definitely no Tom Hardy, my friends.  This guy is like Nacho Libre meets a lobotomized Hulk if neither of those things were capable of speech.

19:40    “I have spent my life trying to protect plants from extinction.”  Is that a thing?  Is all flora as we know it right on the cusp of annihilation?  The more you know.

20:50    Many brain cells have died to bring you this live blog.

21:53    The “science” portion somehow makes everything dumber.  His suit uses diamond-infused cryogenic cooling to keep him in frozen animation...?  What the ever-loving fuck am I actually listening to?

23:06    George Clooney’s smirk says “I hate this fucking movie and everything in it but in my mind I’m already on my new yacht with fifty supermodels so vengeance will be mine.”

27:09    Sorry, I passed out for a second.  I’m back and I think Freeze’s girlfriend is played by Vivica A. Fox.  Wearing what can best be described as a disco wig and plastic tablecloth mini-dress.

28:54    The anguished chorale backing of this scene makes you think it’s deep.  Don’t be fooled.  The only depth in this movie is that to which my will to live is sinking while watching.

30:00    Thank god Batgirl is here!  Now the movie will stop sucking balls and start sucking complete ass.

31:24    Pollyanna moment.  Must find a nice thing to say.  George Clooney is mind-numbingly handsome.  (Though sadly not numbingly enough.)

33:18    One of the enduring mysteries of our time is why George Clooney was cast as the Batman who runs the Starlight Foundation for Wayward Orphans in Jerrica Benton’s absence.

35:38    Art imitates life: Clooney stumbles over the question of marriage.  

37:00    The eco-babble is lost in the fact that Elle Macpherson is wearing head-to-toe bubblegum pink.  It’s almost TOO subtle, Schumacher.  I almost didn’t pick up on the fact that she’s Bruce’s trophy Barbie.  

39:25    Fairly certain Freeze’s preserved wife is supermodel Vendela.  Two supermodels in as many minutes?  I bet this is Leonardo DiCaprio’s favorite movie.

42:01    Schumacher’s idea of set design is basically to round up as many things and lights as possible and throw them at the screen.  If they fluoresce, even better.

44:05    Nice closeup on Batman’s blacked out eyes behind the mask there.  Who applies the makeup?  Does Bruce see the Batsignal and frantically grab his kohl?  Or does Robin touch him up in the car on the way?

45:40    Thank god Freeze is here.  The only thing missing in the Everything is blue.  

46:48    The glowing moobs!  I can’t even.

48:50    Gotham: City of Statuary.  Come for the monuments, stay for the raves.

50:55    Bitch bitch bitch.  Whine whine whine.  When this movie isn’t insulting me with puns, it’s making a case for Batman to hire a nanny.

52:16    Clooney, you are so dashing and so. wrong. for. this. role.

54:30    Arkham Asylum is built on stilts presumably so it doesn’t get washed away in the tide of drivel and shit that Schumacher has unleashed on Gotham.

55:46    This is reminiscent of another Arnold moment: “Give dese people air!”  

56:48    I guess this is where Rufio hangs out when he’s not in Neverland.

59:37    Honey, many have tried to snag a ring from the Clooney.  It’s worse than Mission: Impossible.  It’s Mission: You’reNeverGonnaGetIt.

1:02:25    Clearly the Holy Trinity of Schumacher is Nipples, Protuberances, and Neon.

1:06:03    “I guess all the speed and danger took me out of myself.  Helped the pain go away.”  That’s how you get rid of both backstory and character motivation in a single idiotic sentence.  

1:07:18    It is patently ridiculous that the entirety of Wayne Manor and the Batcave is the sole responsibility of a single 70 year old butler.  But it’s just as obvious Bruce couldn’t make a piece of toast without guidance.

1:13:04    Of all the costume travesties in this, the greatest is that Bruce wears baggy turtlenecks.

1:16:50    “There’s something about an anatomically correct rubber suit...”  Oh Ivy.  Well said.

1:18:25    Robin you’re such a patsy.

1:19:22    Proper villains always have giant vats of questionable liquids sitting uncovered in their labs.

1:21:06    It’s a good thing the tear is CGI.  I doubt Arnold is capable of producing a real one.

1:22:44    “Adam and Evil.”  I want to cry but it’s more than Schumacher deserves.

1:24:10    Honestly the best thing this movie could do would be to let Robin kiss Poison Ivy.  Because a “Robin signal” is a thing that can only be described as a harbinger of doom.  

1:30:00    Clooney, the smirk... is it permanent?  It it actually a grimace?  You need to re-think your expression choices here.

1:31:52    Congratulations!  You’ve hacked your way into the movie’s trailer, Alicia.

1:32:47    The “Dick” there was a bit heavily-delivered to be a name.  Dick.

1:34:44    I don’t know or care what’s happening.  My brain has crawled out my ear and my eyes are attempting to roll into the back of my head.  

1:35:54    Alfred has the know-how to program his brain algorithms into the Batcave computer so he can virtually interact with anyone who enters?  Alfred is wasted on butling.  New plan: make Robin the pool boy and promote Alfred to hero.  

1:41:01    “Bruce it’s me, it’s Barbara.”  After the viewing there will be a ceremonious microwaving of this disc.  All are invited to attend.  Clooney, I’ll allow you the honor of pressing ‘start’.  Upon the point of detonation, we will all swear in blood never to mention this again.   

1:43:53    Ridiculous blue-lit stuff is happening.  There are now three Bat-heros which is three too many and increases my suffering by thirds.

1:45:33    NO CAPES!  No capes.

1:47:40    Ironically the most confounding part of this entire climax is why the Gotham Observatory has internal projectors creating a vista of swirling stars and planets inside its dome.  

1:50:36    Phallic protuberance crashing through giant statue in neon blue light!  It’s everything Schumacher hoped it would be and more.  He wept at this moment in the premiere.  

1:52:26    It’s that easy.  You too can not to go to school to not learn science and still harness all its power by putting on a mask and an attitude.  

1:54:17    Heavy handed moralizing doesn’t really cream your shorts, hey Clooney?  Your delivery betrays you.

1:57:45    Is that a jaunty hoodie, Bruce?  Foxy.

1:59:08    Technically “partners” implies two.  I think the word you’re looking for is “trio”.  Or perhaps “travesty”.

1:59:46    Yes, please savage the Pumpkins with a techno overlay, end credits.  I haven’t suffered quite enough.

And that is how you annihilate a franchise.  Ladies and gentlemen, Joel Schumacher!
 
George Clooney is damn lucky he’s George fucking Clooney because no other actor would have been able to survive with any kind of career intact, let alone an A-list one.  You’re a lucky son of a bitch, Clooney.  But it’s not even your fault.  It’s solidly, unquestionably, completely Schumacher’s fault.  One day maybe he’ll write a book about his years as a dayglo addict.  “Schumacher: The Neonthology.”

- Corinne Simpson