A Little Story Never Hurt Nobody

Yesterday I was on Tumblr and somebody posted a photo montage from Fire Down Below.  Yes, the Steven Seagal movie.  And it brought me back.

Fire Down Below

*cue Wayne’s World alternate sequence hands* 

Story time.  Back in the day (this is dating me heinously now) I worked at a movie theatre when this very film first came out.  I was working a box office shift one night and getting mightily irritated that people would stand in a thirty-person-deep line but only once they reached the ticket booth (me) would they say to each other “Hmmmm, what do you want to see?” and ponder the available options.  And then a Q & A with me would begin. 

Them: The Game.  What’s that about?

Me: It’s a suspense/thriller starring Michael Douglas with a brilliant story that I really can’t spoil by explaining.

Them: Is it any good?

Me: It’s very very good.

Them: Event Horizon.  What’s that about?

Me: It’s a sci-fi horror, basically.  It stars Sam Neill and Laurence Fishburne and a lost ship that returns from somewhere very dark.  Maybe evil.

Them: Is it any good?

Me: Yes if you like being terrified in space.

Them:  Hmm.  Flubber.  What’s that about?

Me: *sigh*  Robin Williams invents bouncy snot.  For kids.

Them: Is it any good?

Me:  It’s… sure.  Fine. 

This would happen with every other person.  Indecision.  Interrogation.  More indecision.  Rash choice.  Next in line.  Repeat.  I just grew so very tired of being 411 on movies for the unprepared.  Until finally a couple got to the front of the line and began the inquisition except when they got to Fire Down Below I changed the script spontaneously.

Them: Fire Down Below.  What’s that about?

Me: Gonorrhea.

And that was the abrupt and decisive end to my box office career, ladies and gentlemen.  I was yanked into the manager’s office so fast it looked like a vaudeville act: bad joke, cane around neck, swift yank offstage.

Anyway.  Fire Down Below.  Memories.

(All due apologies to Marg Helgenberger whom I absolutely adore in everything I’ve seen her in because she is brilliant and sassy.  I mean I never even watched Fire Down Below.)


- Corinne Simpson