Creeping Through the Crypt: May Movie Edition

An oldie but a goodie!  Back in May 2004 I wrote one of my (in)famous Abridged Scripts for Red Planet.  Seriously, does anybody out there remember Red Planet?  Okay, how about Val Kilmer?  Carrie-Anne Moss?  Damn, you guys are in for a treat.  And remember, this is meant to serve as a warning.  Do not, under any circumstances, be tempted to dive back into the annals of time and actually watch this movie.  Yeah, there are totally spoilers here, man.  Or "spoilers".  Can you spoil something that was rotten to start with?

 

By popular demand (okay, for all one of you who asked nicely) and in honor of, um, nothing at all, I present my abridged script of the sizzling bomb that was Red Planet. Dum da da DUM!

Red Planet
VampireNomad's Shorthand Script

INT. FUTURISTIC SPACESHIP - NIGHT?

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS, VAL KILMER, and a whole group of actors neatly slotted into standard STEREOTYPED SPACEMEN board the luxury liner spaceship headed to MARS. They refer to it as a hamster cage. They talk about MARS and each other in stereotypical terms to further reinforce their cliched roles in the film.

AUDIENCE
You die, you die, the babe makes it, you die...

EXT. MARS - DAY

VAL KILMER and the group of STEREOTYPED SPACEMEN land on MARS. MARS is barren and red.

VAL KILMER
Mars is barren and red. I miss earth.

There appears to be a savage insect-like lifeform on MARS that proceeds to kill off the STEREOTYPED SPACEMEN who have survived thus far. Eventually everyone but VAL KILMER is dead.

VAL KILMER
Mars is barren and red and kills people. Nuts to Mars. I'm outta here.

VAL KILMER leaves MARS by waving his magic wand - which would have made more sense than the actual explanation in the script.

INT. FUTURISTIC SPACESHIP - NIGHT?

After nearly dying, VAL KILMER arrives safe and sound on the ship. CARRIE-ANNE MOSS welcomes him.

CARRIE-ANNE MOSS
It'll take six months to get back to earth. Let's get acquainted.

AUDIENCE
*screaming in agony*
Let me out of this theatre!!!

The End.

 

- Corinne Simpson