Nathan's Laserium: Collabor-obot

More robots! Yay! A couple of weeks ago for my post of little nano-stories about robots, I actually had a fourth one ready to go. Without over-explaining it, I will say I wanted to address the #yesallwomen issue but was scared I didn't do it well enough- did it come across that I was making light of it? That would be the exact opposite of my intention, so we spiked it. Corinne suggested I write more on that issue, which would then help my intentions be clearer and I cleverly avoided taking on this task by suggesting that SHE do it, and Alan too. Suckers fell for it! So here are three tiny robot stories, brought to you by Corinne Simpson, Alan Decker, and me, respectively.

 

Of course in mid-Lunar Month of the Third Sequential Millennium, only fifty-seven bots were constructed as male and of those thirty self-identified as Clooney models.  They all insisted they held regency over the Como area of Earth’s Italian District so when those thirty invariably entered into battle against one another, the other twenty-seven male bots were compelled to divide unevenly between support and condemnation.  The five who condemned the Como War switched to female and joined the rest of the female or androgynous bot population in the surrounding Districts.  The war was over as suddenly as it had begun when all the battling male bots were destroyed by a nuclear detonation that one had triggered in a show of bravado.  The Como area was cordoned off by quarantine force field for the requisite Hundred Year Observation and Earth was subsequently ushered into what is now referred to as the Ambitious Harmonic Era significantly anchored by female and androgynous bot productivity.

- Excerpted from ‘A Comparative History of Robotic Development’



 

The first thing we learned when the robots gained sentience was that they were boy crazy.  All of them.  Life for men became a gauntlet.

"Hey, gorgeous, I got all the suction you could ever want," said the vacuum bot as he made his way through the living room to the kitchen.

"Why don't you just take me right on back to bed with you?" asked the juicer.  "Don't worry, baby.  I'll be gentle."

"I can't wait to get you inside me," said his car.

"You can't hide that body from me, sugar.  I see exactly what you're rocking under that suit," cooed the x-ray machine at the entrance to his office building.

Six weeks after the robots gained sentience, artificial intelligence was outlawed and every single bot reverted to more basic code that wouldn't allow it think for itself.

"Finally things will get back to normal!" the man said with relief.  He didn't understand why his wife didn't seem to be nearly as pleased.



 

 She was on the subway after a long day at work, absorbed in her phone.

"Hey baby."

She looked up. Not that she needed to. She already knew what she'd see. "Piss off," she said, and went back to her phone.

"What's the matter, you don't like sexbots?" The thing used what it undoubtedly thought was a seductive, synthesized voice.

"I said piss off. Fucking tin can."

The sexbot didn't leave. Finally she activated the Nobot app on her phone and deactivated the rogue bot.

A janitorbot swept by, and said to her in a machine voice, "Sorry-about-that-ma'am. Not-all-robots . . ."

She Nobotted him too.

 

- Corinne Simpson, Alan Decker, and Nathan Waddell