Friday Fun: Oh The Places You'll Search...


“Searchin, Searchin (For so long) / Searchin (Searchin) / Searchin, Searchin (I just wanted to dance) / Searchin...”  Luther Vandross is now the unofficial theme song of these Search Query posts.  You guys have a lot of unexpected questions plaguing you.  I’m glad we’re here to help you find some answers.  Or to at least muddy the intellectual waters even further. 

‘futurama express rocket’
Have I ever discussed 'Futurama' or the Planet Express ship?  I sincerely don’t think I have.  Not that 'Futurama' didn’t have some epic moments.  It’s a great show.  It’s just not one I’ve ever discussed.  How did you get here, searcher?  And once you arrived, what did you find?  I’m so curious!

“Memory / All alone in the moonlight / I can smile at the old days...”  
There is probably more in The Crypt about Orophin than I want to admit.  Orophin is the brother of Rumil and Haldir and they were all part of the Galadhrim of Lothlorien.  Yes, Elves of Middle-Earth.  Tall blonde haughty ones.  I may have written a fair amount about Elves in my day.

‘pg 13 uesless’
Bold statement, searcher!  Are you decrying the existence of all thirteenth pages or just one in particular?  Or is it the rating of PG-13 that you find so 'uesless'?  Spelling and grammar are your friends, you know.  They can help sort out much of the confusion of everyday life.

‘marilyn lyrics backstreetboys’
This is entirely my fault.  I am the one who tried to listen to Marilyn Manson while performing a lyric analysis on ‘As Long As You Love Me’.  I’m sorry, everyone.  Now that unholy union has been branded into the fabric of the internet.  Interestingly, a search of ‘Marilyn Manson Backstreet Boys’ reveals no Google Image evidence of the two groups ever having been in the same place at the same time.  So now, despite my earlier apology for creating the hydra of Marilyn Backstreet, I want this to be a thing.  I now need the two to come together.  Do a duet, you guys!   

‘marg helgenberger bed scene from the movie species’
Ah yes, the scene in the hotel after they think they’ve put Sil down.  They haven’t, of course, and she’s actually in the sewers spawning alien hybrid babies.  But at the moment of the scene in question Marg Helgenberger’s Laura and Michael Madsen’s Press totally hook up in what they mistakenly believe is the aftermath of their alien hunt.  It’s a foxy little scene.  Marg Helgenberger is a foxy and fantastic actress.  Truth.

‘does julia roberts play in cutthroat island’
No.  The swashbuckling actress in Cutthroat Island is Geena Davis.  Julia Roberts played Tinkerbell in Hook four years earlier.  You’re welcome.

‘evil dracula’
As opposed to Good Dracula?  Or Happy Times Dracula?  Well I guess it all depends on your perspective.  From a vampire perspective Dracula is just doing his bloodsucking thing and trying to find a companion to make eternity less dreary.  He turns Lucy - who wouldn’t?  He has a few brides.  He’s not a bad guy.  He’s at best misunderstood as so many villains are.  Of course from the perspective of everyone else he’s kind of a monster so... ‘evil’.  

‘what is klingers blood type’
I don’t believe I’ve ever discussed the blood types of 'M.A.S.H.' characters but I can understand how you would expect a vampire to be an expert in such things.  For the record, Corporal Max Klinger is either type B positive or AB positive.  In an early episode he states his type as B positive but later in the series claims he is the same blood type as Charles Winchester who it is later revealed is AB positive.  Pick your poison, little vamp.


‘csi clown fetish’
Coulrophilia.  The paraphilia involving sexual attraction to clowns.  'CSI' memorably did an episode on this very subject in the Season 4 episode ‘Getting Off’.  (I don’t make the titles up, people, that’s just how punny they are naturally.)  If you’re curious about a fetish it’s a good bet 'CSI' has done an episode on it.  To date, just off the top of my head, they’ve explored sexual interest in clowns, foot fetish, infantilism, attraction to large women, furries, sex involving an octopus (called shokushu goukan), erotic eating, autoerotic asphyxiation, and BDSM.  It’s a very educational show.

‘sharon stone’s wardrobe the specialist’
I am an expert on this.  To wit, my live blog of The Specialist in which I observed the following regarding her wardrobe (or lack thereof)...
8:46 Interspersed with shots of her in a thong pressing bodily up against filmy white curtains.  I feel... dirty.  Like I'm trapped in a rejected 80s Madonna video with no way out.
8:54 Stone insults Roberts' interior decorator.  I feel her there.  But I also think she must have pissed off wardrobe because that coat is nine sizes too big for her.
9:01 Is Stone wearing wallpaper?  No, worse, it's a matched brocade nightgown and robe combo.
9:07 Roberts blew up!  Apparently so did Stone?  I blame wardrobe.  After the first two divine outfits they appeared to have had a falling out.
9:17 Stallone approaches Stone's casket... it isn't her!  But wait... who is that stylish shadow sauntering into the church backlit by sun, veiled, leggy?
9:23  Oh lord, my eyes... they are like two tangled burnt sienna crayons in a puddle...
And there it is.  There’s no need to watch the movie now.  You’re welcome.


‘no heart vampire care bears’
You guys, there were vampire Care Bears?  I feel certain I would have known about this.  I’m also certain vampire Care Bears would especially need their hearts.  For the processing of all the Care Bear Cousin blood and so on.  Don’t lie to me like this, searcher!  Don’t make up vampire Care Bears with no hearts and expect me to buy it!  Faugh.  A pox on you and your house!


‘guy in shades luking nice’
I think the lyrics you’re ‘luking’ for are “I wear my sunglasses at night / So I can, So I can / Watch you weave then breathe your story lines” and they’re from Corey Hart’s 80s hit ‘Sunglasses At Night’.  This is the second time some hapless searcher has stumbled into the asylum ‘luking’ for Corey Hart.  Either Corey Hart is experiencing a resurgence the likes of which Flock of Seagulls can only dream or Corey Hart needs to hire me as his PR person because I appear to be the go-to girl for lyric identification.


- Corinne Simpson