Friday is looming, I'm completely behind on everything in life, and I'm on deadline. So this hackneyed mish-mash of a post is what you get. If you don't like it, take it up with management.
Which segues nicely into yet another story from my theatre-managing days which, believe it or not, my roommate requested. As manager I would often be behind the counter at the candy bar supervising, covering breaks, or just plain old working. It wasn't all caviar and massages with celebrities in golden limos, you know. Sometimes while working behind said counter customers would take issue with one thing or another and lodge a complaint. Not a formal complaint, just a general rant about whatever was displeasing them at the moment. "Your Twizzlers are too expensive!" "You need to stock mango ice cream!" "I hated the movie!" "You should be showing Avatar in 4D!" or whatever. My staff were very pleasant to such people. Generally the issue of complaints was approached thusly: if it was a legitimate complaint with a solution, fix it. If it was just general bitching, don't take it personally and make soothing noises of understanding. But sometimes it would escalate into an actual complaint. That sounded like this: "I want to speak to someone in charge!" Being the manager, I'd tell them I was in charge. And we'd move on from there. But occasionally the customer wouldn't believe me. "I said I want to speak to somebody in charge." "That's me, I'm in charge." "No, somebody above you." "There isn't anybody above me. I'm the manager." "I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MANAGER." And one time I guess I just snapped. I calmly stepped back from the till, leveled the person with a stare, and then very deliberately turned a full circle in front of them. Upon facing them again I pasted a wide fake smile on my face and said cheerily, "Hi, I'm the manager. You wanted to see me?"
Now seems like as good a time as any to talk about something completely unrelated.
"And now for something completely different."
My first crush. On a male.
My very first crush was Optimus Prime. Yes, Optimus Prime the Transformer. Which, yes, kind of makes me a crazy nerd. In my defense I was really young so the logistics of having a romantic crush on a truck/robot didn't really get in the way of me wanting to marry him. Back then, in the halcyon days of innocent childhood, that's all you did. You got married. And... that was it. And he was tall and strong and commanding and heroic... and shiny and metal... anyway. Prime didn't lose his spot in my heart until Face from The A-Team came along and conned him out of it. Face was my first human crush. And to be honest I still sort of get it when I watch The A-Team now. He's still hot... in an eighties action smarmy con-man sort of way.
You know, you can stop laughing now. It's not that funny.
"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." - Optimus Prime
"Don't you smile at me... that's not even a real smile! It's just a bunch of teeth playing with my mind!" - Face to Hannibal
Neither of these stories has anything to do with the other. I'm just trying to give you an expansive view into the particulars of my psyche. 'Who is the VampireNomad?' you may have been wondering. 'What secrets are harbored in the deep recesses of her mind?'. Aren't you sorry you asked? Sassy customer service and crushes on robot semi-trailers. I AM A MYSTERY WRAPPED IN AN ENIGMA SMOTHERED IN QUESTIONS.
Happy Friday, everybody.
- Corinne Simpson