So long, True Blood. It was a long, weird and ultimately dull ride.

 

True Blood ended Sunday night and for reasons I can't explain I stuck around for the whole insane ride.  As the series finale was ending, I captured my reactions for posterity.  Unedited, this is what went down as I watched.
Oh yeah, there are totally spoilers here.  If you call telling you in advance what color the paint you're watching dry will be a spoiler.  *SPOILER*  White.
 

Things I will miss about True Blood:
The way Bill says Sook-eh.
Eric.
Pam.
Lafayette.
Jessica.

Things I will not miss about True Blood:
Everything else.
Especially Sookie’s endless sex scenes.


I am direly bored.  Other than Eric’s sexy blood spattered car singing and Pam attacking Sarah, it’s been the worst episode ever aired.  I am including every one of the were-panther and maenad episodes in that tally too.  It’s twenty-five minutes into the series finale and it’s a bunch of reflection and bullshit disguised as altruism and some madcap flash wedding for Jessica and Hoyt?!  Dear god this is dull.  True Blood, end things in a rock and roll vampire bloodbath, not all this blather and soft-focus memory crap.  If the next half hour doesn’t implode in a gigantic mess I will have to glamor myself into forgetting I ever watched this show.

Okay, fine.  Sheriff Andy’s awesome.  Andy agreeing to give Bill’s house to Jessica after Bill dies was sweet.

Bill: King Vampire of Guilt Trip Mansion.  

Stupid weddings.  Stupid spontaneous middle-of-the-damn-day vampire weddings.  Is that what brides want?  To be bleeding from their eyes and ears on their wedding day?  

If they find a way to shoehorn one more sex scene into this show in the next twenty minutes I will give kudos where due.

I thought it couldn’t get more boring than the wedding.  I was wrong.  It’s all fancily dressed characters driving around in hick mobiles in dappled sunlight reflecting on personal growth.  I feel like I maybe stumbled into a Hallmark card by accident.

Ginger thinks Sookie is pregnant with Bill’s baby because a) she can hear his thoughts now that he’s dying, and b) he’s said that Hep-V has made him feel more human than ever before.  If that turns out to be true not enough glamor in the world will be able to sear that from my mind’s eye.  And though I am loathe to say this sentence, here it is: Twilight did it first.

Forty-four minutes in, no sex.  No bloodbath.  No Lafayette.  So bored.

So now it’s the final countdown.... and it is so much less exciting than the Europe song.  Why Bill can’t just throw himself into sunlight like a self-respecting suicidal vampire instead of putting it on Sookie to fairy him to death is beyond me  That entire sentence is giving me hives.

Of course Bill has a coffin.  And of course his reasoning for it is firmly rooted somewhere between century old bullshit and misguided chivalry.

And now she’s not going to give up her fairyhood because finally she’s accepted who she is.  A vampire-lovin’ lightball-formin’ bad-decision-makin’ fairy.  One who’s totally gonna stake Bill with a snapped-off shovel handle.  This show is so many kinds of classy.

I  can’t even with Sookie climbing out of a puddle of her dead boyfriend and walking off into the moonlight.

Eric and Pam’s New Blood commercial is the only thing keeping me from throwing myself into sunlight.

Future wrap up... Sookie is preggo and making a Thanksgiving turkey, Jason and the girlfriend-who-was-formerly-Hoyt’s have like three kids, Sam and his family come to visit... Pam whoring out Sarah for her blood in the basement of Fangtasia might be awesome... and the ghost of Steve Newlin returns!

It’s a Bon Temps town Thanksgiving at Jessica and Hoyt’s estate.  But who is Sookie’s baby-daddy?  *drum roll please*  It’s a random bearded dude whose face we never see.  

What utter horseshit, True Blood.  

 

- Corinne Simpson