As cliches go, it's gotta be one of the dumbest. Sure, it sounds good- those who don't know history are doomed to repeat it- but I don't know a thing about Julius Caesar and do you see me going around in a toga and one of those leafy wreath things? Hell no. History is over. Done. Kaputo. It's past. Old news. Even the "now" is obsolete. The only thing that matters is the future. And I'm the one who's going to take you there.
Not with a time machine. Of course not. No such thing. But what I got is almost as good. Nah, it's better! Because you don't have to worry about stepping on a butterfly or some stupid crap like that. Sorry, language. I can't help it folks, I get so gosh-durned excited about this! Cry-o-genics, my friends! Cryogenics. Your gateway to the future. You know how they have Ted Williams' head frozen somewhere so they can resurrect him in a hundred years or whenever? True story. Well, the good news is we don't have to cut your heads off. No decapitations! We will require you to take this mild sedative, though. That's a little joke, it's not actually mild at all. It's more of a deadative. Ha! I'm on a roll tonight, friends. Go ahead and laugh. It eases the nervousness a bit. For obvious reasons I can't exactly demonstrate.
Now, uh, you've all paid your tickets, and once you sat down here in this fine auditorium, you saw the clipboards underneath your seats, am I right? Why don't we all take those out now? It's just a little waiver, you know, stating that you are of sound mind yada yada. Of course you're going to want to sign your estates over to me for safekeeping, and in the glorious future, the miracle of compound interest will usher you into the lifestyle of your dreams. Even better than your dreams because it will be the future!
Yes, don't be afraid. Here come my ushers now to collect your forms, and to hand out the futurejuice, as I like to call it. Ah hell, I can tell you the secret- it's just a little bit of kool-aid with some extra ingredients. Don't tell anyone!
Sweet dreams, my dear friends. Godspeed. Oh, you remembered to refer your friends for a 10% discount, right? Alright then! Bottoms up!
- Nathan Waddell