Warning: Parental discretion is advised. Sort of NSFW.
This is a frank assessment of which characters in CSI and Supernatural would be best in bed. SEX TALK, PEOPLE. So if your workplace is opposed to you reading such things on the company dime, exit now but definitely come back later. And if you're my mom, don't read this. No, I'm not actually kidding. You don't want to read this, mom.
A Supernatural Sexytimes Ranking According to Meagan, with Afterthoughts and Two-Centses by VampireNomad.
Meagan - Dean Winchester. This is obviously number one. He’s the first born son, the bad ass with a heart of gold who would do anything for his close friends or his brother. But theoretically, I figure this logic does not apply to a one night stand. So what would a one night stand with Dean be like? Imagine picking up the finest looking dude at a bar - hopefully you have no expectations about love. Dean is the kind of guy who is going to finish and just assume it was good for you, fall asleep heavily on top of you before pulling out, and probably drool near your face. You’ll catch him sneaking out the window (the window, not even the door) the next morning when he thinks your asleep because he wants to avoid any awkwardness (not to mention he doesn’t want to explain to you why his phone has gone off and he has several angry voice mails from an irritated guy named Sam). Dean is the guy who would actually use the line “but baby it’s my birthday”...
VampireNomad - Dean Winchester is the guy most likely to fist pump the air just as he’s coming, shout 'touchdown', or quote Kansas lyrics to get you in the mood. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s also not going to be the best thing. He’s exquisite to look at and as long as you’re not interested in longevity or conversation, it’ll be enjoyable.
Meagan - Sam Winchester. Sam’s the kind of guy who constantly asks you how you’re doing, if you’re liking what he’s doing, and wants to cuddle the living shit out of you afterwards. Like, sweaty burrito cuddle. He touches your hair a lot and tells you weird stories about his life (but not the “weird weird” stories) because he feels close to you in this intimate moment. Sam’s the kind of guy who doesn’t take sex lightly, but really wears his heart on his sleeve. However, the sex is probably really good because, realistically, he’s had to have seen all the porn Dean left around and because of his personality decided heartily that these are not things he will do. Also, if you own a computer and have read any supernatural smut *cough*, there’s enough size type jokes to be had. But, at least he’ll ask you if he’s hurting you, so I guess that’s a bonus. Hopefully you guys have decided to hook up at your place, because attempting to sneak out of his iron clad cuddle puddle will be trying.
VampireNomad - I have two sexy words for you. Ferret and Face. You know that squinting, concerned, pursed lipped thing he does when Dean is being an ass? (Meagan - bitchface). Yep, that’s his O-face. Ferrety. But, he has a great body, and if you like slavish amounts of attention, he could be the man for you.
Meagan - Castiel. Castiel is really hard to gauge, because it really depends on where in the seasons your rendezvous occurs. If you get early on Cas, you’re likely to just have a bumbling idiot who has no idea what he’s doing, but also had no emotional attachment to you, and really, you’re probably going to feel like a weird perv afterwards because this dude has no idea what’s going on. Later, you may be lucky enough to catch a Cas who’s either been blessed with the knowledge of the Pizza Man, or even later, the Cas who’s been given all the pop culture references by Metatron. I’d imagine even the porny ones. Things could get real corny, real fast. Either way, Cas is a pretty caring guy and it’s likely that he’d try his hardest to bless you (HA) with all of his sexy time knowledge. At the end of the day, I think you’d be satisfied - and who’s going to hate waking up to that cute tousled head?
VampireNomad - My Castiel preference is de-angeled, orgy hippy Cas. (Meagan-Croatoan Cas). I want this Cas. But in the trench coat...
Meagan - Crowley. I think Crowley would be the most fun to have sex with. He’s cheeky, he’s witty, he’s sarcastic as all hell (HA). But I think he has enough pride to literally want to blow his partner’s mind. He’s not going to just show up and take you and be on his way without making you orgasm four thousand times in four thousand ways in four minutes. In fact, I feel like, if you couldn’t walk after an episode with Crowley, he’d be okay with that. That’s like, a goal. That’s like, a Tuesday. So, I think he’d be the most fun. You could totally converse with him, but also have the best sex ever. Everyone wins!
VampireNomad - Crowley offers the most complete package (no pun intended) yet on this list. He’s a conversationalist, pays attention to your needs, is proud of his own abilities, and is a demon (HA) in bed. He dresses well, he probably undresses well...and he’s not afraid to call Sam names. Anyone who calls Sam names is already in my good books.
Meagan - Bobby. Honestly, I think Bobby is the best guy on this list. You could go over, hang out and watch a hockey game and drink a beer. He’d cook you dinner, compliment your shirt, notice if you got a new haircut (but not in a creepy way). When you slept with him, he’d be detail oriented, but not so much that you’re bored, and he’d clearly know what he was doing. He’d be respectful, knowledgeable, and probably able to teach you a thing or two. Afterwards, another beer, and it’s not weird. You don’t feel weird calling him again to hang out - and he’s not even mad if you just want to watch a game and not have sex. Who has time for all that damned sex all the time? Not everyone can be a Dean. He’s the kind of guy that you could see having a legitimate relationship with outside of just a good time (even though, it probably would be a real good time).
VampireNomad - This. 100% this. Look, Bobby is the whole meal deal guy. Best in show! That’s all I have to say.
Meagan - Charlie. Charlie would be the best person to hang out with. It helps that she’s in to ladies and all the people writing this list are ladies, so we don’t have to make it up as we go. She’d ask you to come over, watch some really bad zombie movies, and then show you a new video game. Or, she’s show you how to hack a government website so you can watch all kinds of funny things happening in real time. Or skim some funds from a bank account. Something fun like that. Also, she’s clearly a lady who aims to please. She has all the same bits, and obviously knows how they work. All in all, probably a pretty great date if you’re in to ladies who happen to also be in to ladies.
VampireNomad - Charlie is a foxy red head who knows how to get to Oz. Let the Emerald City jokes begin. But seriously, she’s fun and sweet and fearless and knows how to please a lady. Regardless of your preference, she’d be a great time. A better time than Sam. A better time than Sam for sure.
Let the Evidence Show Who is the SexyTimes Champ on CSI - A Definitive Ranking by VampireNomad with Thoughts and Addendums by Meagan
VampireNomad - It’s not that Grissom isn’t sexy, because in his own nerdy way he is. He’s attractive, especially when he talks. Brains are sexy and so is knowledge. He’s calm in a crisis, he’s not a micro-managing jerk of a boss, he’s very good at his job, and he’s a keen observer of the human condition. All that knowledge would also extend to sex, I have no doubt. But the thing about Grissom is that he’s also a detached scientist type. A detached scientist who collects bugs, fetal pigs, and races cockroaches. He’d be incredibly sexually adept but every move he made would be mentally assessed and cataloged so you’d end up feeling more like a specimen or experiment than connected intimate partner. He’s atrociously bad at social interaction. If you wanted any kind of pillow talk at all, he’d have to have Catherine write him a script beforehand. Essentially Grissom is the guy that on first glance you’d want to sleep with but would never ever take home because of the scrutiny and overall awkwardness.
Meagan - I feel like sleeping with Grissom would involve every response that you make provoking a litany of questions involving how you feel, why you feel it, and comparison observations to anyone he’d previously slept with all the while making notes as he went. Essentially sleeping with Grissom is the Sheldon Cooper Experience.
VampireNomad - Catherine is my personal number one. Let’s not be biased, though, let’s just break down the facts. She’s a foxy redhead with a stripper past and a present in forensic crime busting, dresses for both business and pleasure simultaneously, isn’t a cheap date, and likes to boss people around. She’s like a dominatrix without the whips and chains. She’s the ultimate alpha. She wouldn’t rest until she was satisfied and if along the way you get your own in more than once, fine, just so long as you don’t stop until she’s happy. There’s no stopping until Catherine is satiated. She’s sexy, unafraid to use that sexy even in interrogation settings, doesn’t give two figs if you like her methods or not, and has no use for wimps. The weak of heart need not apply as she’d just eat them for an appetizer and go on the prowl for a main course immediately afterwards. But if you’re strong, and have time on your hands to get things done right, she will be the absolute pinnacle of pleasure.
Meagan - Sex with Catherine would involve such situations as simultaneously having your hair pulled while she threatens to remove your bits with a high heeled shoe. Catherine will do anything to get off and therefore so will you.
VampireNomad - Dearly departed Warrick. First, there’s the tragic aspect of this. You’d have to have gotten to him when he was in his Lenny Kravitz-esque prime and before the deeply unfortunate bullet to the brain. Second, he was lusted after by Catherine so you’d also have to get to him on the sly or risk the wrath of the alpha female. But all those pitfalls aside, Warrick would be worth it. He’s like a long tall drink of cool bourbon. He’s like iced coffee. He’s like melted chocolate. He’s like the most languid pleasure you’ve ever known, mind-blowing, toe-curling, utter and total dissolving, that ends with a little grin and a nod and a “see ya around” as he slips out the door into the early light. Warrick is the best in bed, hands down. But he’s not a relationship. Don’t call him in the morning, you needy bitch. Don’t call him at all. He’s already moved on. He’s got a black book that’s literally bursting with numbers and too much cool to return your messages. Is he worth it? DUH YES. But don’t get attached. He won’t.
Meagan - Warrick is the kind of guy that you sleep with, dream about for weeks, brag to all your girlfriends about, and spend hours wondering what is wrong with you because “should I call” “why hasn’t he called” “he told me to call” but he didn’t mean it. He’s like a sexy shadow that slipped in and slipped out and scarred your psyche forever with memories of the sexy sexiest times you’ve ever had. You’ll have pleasing thoughts about him until you’re eighty.
VampireNomad - Oooooh Nicky. Texas. Nick is like Warrick Lite. Nick is a good-looking guy, let’s just set that record straight. He’s an all-American chiseled jaw superhero sort of hot. He’s got a simmering sex appeal and would be every bit as good in bed as Warrick. He knows his way around a lady. But Nick is the more emotional one. So he very well may want to cuddle after. Not talk - god knows that’s too taxing. But he’d lazily drape his arms and maybe legs around you as he drifts off and might sleepily call you babe a few times before going comatose. In the morning there’d be awkwardness but he’d err on the side of chivalry and make you eggs and coffee before leaving. You can totally call him again - if he doesn’t call you first. Because he will want to know that it was more than just sex. You totally had a connection, right? So go ahead and call. Or, if you’re the type to not want a relationship, go ahead and immediately send all his calls to voice mail because girl, he’s also very determined. He is not a quitter, this boy. That will work in your favor in the bedroom and not as much out of it. But damn... that grin. You know?
Meagan - I feel like Nick is super traditional. He’s the kind of guy who wants to pick you up for your date, he’s going to pay, and he’s probably going to bring you flowers. I feel Nick might be a little more traditional in bed than Warrick. Might not be as mind-blowing but you’ll definitely be satisfied and there will be a nice all-American breakfast waiting for you after. Even when you’re like “I’m already late for work I’m just going to take this coffee, bye, let yourself out”.
VampireNomad - Sara is complicated. Sara is... there’s a lot going on there and it’s not all good. She’s not completely in touch with her feminine wiles like Catherine is, in fact she may entirely be in denial that she has such wiles to use at all. Sara’s strength is in her intelligence so if you want a lot of theoretical conversation and wry soul-searching, she’s definitely your Boo. But in the bedroom I think she’s torn. See, I read Sara as repressed. As deeply and profoundly curious about subversive things but due to the nature of her job, unwilling or unable to explore them in any way. So she has a lot of awkward, lights-out, missionary sex that is neither hot nor fulfilling and then wonders why, later, alone, she feels so empty. Yes, she marries Grissom. That is a psychologist’s dream union right there. But we’re not talking about Grissom and Sara, just Sara. And if you went home with her you’d just end up sad. And profoundly unsatisfied.
Meagan - Sara is the lights-off, socks-on, missionary position of sex if ever there was a person who could be classified such. She is the person who lays there long after her partner has fallen asleep, in the dark, clutching the blanket, wondering why she feels as awful as she does. When her partner wakes up in the morning, he wants nothing more than to leave.
VampireNomad - It has been my pleasure to realize that Brass would be the best all-around partner the show has to offer. He’s got a good job, a great sense of humor, he’s mature and capable, he’s not into drama or mood swings, he’s intuitive and caring, and he wears the hell out of a suit. He’s like the Bobby of CSI but with a better wardrobe. Brass would meet you for dinner, pay or be paid for with equal amounts of not caring about it either way, go to a show of your choosing, enjoy that you’re enjoying yourself, take you to his favorite hang out afterwards and tell you entertaining stories, take you home and make sure you were satisfied before he was, would invite you to stay but not be offended if you didn’t, and who would always always take your call the next day or any day after. For more sex or more talk or just to help you change your flat tire in the rain. He’d know exactly how to please you in bed. It wouldn’t be flashy mind-blowing kama sutra shit like Warrick, but it would be right, and it would be steady, and it would be really good. And he wouldn’t be the slightest bit awkward later. Brass is the win here. Brass is the gold standard. The whole package.
Meagan - Brass might be older than my dad but I would date the shit out of him. To quote Beyonce, if you like it you shoulda put a ring on it. Literally, Brass is the shit.
VampireNomad - Greg makes me feel deeply awkward even in fictional contemplation of a mythical hookup that would never happen. Greg would be the worst sex you’ve ever had compounded by DefCon Six levels of static cling. He would cry. Maybe during but definitely after. He’d beg for reassurance that he’d “done it right”. He’d dance awkwardly around on one leg while trying to free the other from its pantsleg. He’d apologize even though he hadn’t yet done anything. He might not get hard. I... I just can’t.... I can’t....
Meagan - Greg’s the kind of guy who asked you out in line at a coffee shop and you really had places to be so just kind of threw your number at him and ran. So now here’s this guy on your doorstep in a really weird button up shirt corduroy jacket combo, and you’re like, “okay...” The date will be the type of awkward where you feel like you’ve accidentally gone out with your younger brother’s bestie and you literally should be anywhere else in the entire world. Yet, somehow, you still end up back at your place while this man-child attempts to free himself from his clothing in the fashion of every bad teen rom com ever. He’ll apologize for knocking your lamp off the bed stand, and he’ll keep interrupting with weird “sorries” and shit. Like, get on it with already. If we have to do this awkward shit, can’t we just do it? Welp, too late. He’ll cum before getting anywhere near you, fall on your bed on top of you, and cry into your shoulder while whispering that this is the best night of his entire life. You will tell him he was great (LIAR) and ask to go to the bathroom. Even though this is your house, you will lock the door and crawl out the window wearing nothing but the bathrobe you hang on the back of the door. You’ll walk down the street to your girlfriends and stay there until it’s safe to go home. When you get home, you’ll have fifty seven missed calls. Dear god.
VampireNomad - ... and just as you delete the fifty-eighth message, a florist delivery van will pull up at your door. And the note attached to the five dozen roses will say “I might be in love because you blinded me with beauty and it was so gorgeous I can’t even think straight”. I might have already dated Greg and IT WAS THE WORST THING I DID I HAVE REGRETS. Don’t ever date Greg.
Meagan - If you’re lucky, he won’t turn in to a stalker. But you can never tell with Greg.
VampireNomad - Date Brass and get him to arrest Greg instead. Win-win for everyone.
Meagan - You should just call Brass when you sneak out of your own house. He’ll laugh while he opens you a beer.
- Corinne Simpson and Meagan Schirrmacher