I watch the CSI: Cyber premiere so you don't have to.

(You’re welcome, Meagan.)

Listen, everybody knows how much I love CSI.  I love CSI, man.  And by CSI I mean CSI: Original Flavor.  Vegas CSI.  Catherine and Nick and Sofia and Brass and Lady Heather and Grissom and Warrick (RIP) and actual evidence collection and lab-based musical montages and Grave Danger and so on.  I've never been sold on the spin-offs.  Each iteration dilutes the essential CSI flavor and makes a lesser echo onscreen.  I'm definitely not sold on this one, I'll admit that up front.  Network versions of cyber, by definition, will tend to give me a rash.  I'm envisioning Hackers but with less actual computer knowledge and for the more senior fans who still struggle with email.  But you know what?  Maybe I'm wrong.  Go on and prove me wrong, Patricia Arquette.  I'm waiting.

:00:05    You guys it’s only five seconds in and already my eyes rolled.  They have typed locations across the bottom of the screen!  And there’s a full moon happening.  No, the kind in the sky.  TYPEFACE AND A FULL MOON!  I will either love this show or want to kill it with fire.  God preserve my soul, I’m going in.

00:20    It’s super edgy because of jump cuts and cleverly-placed static between said jump cuts.  Also: requisite CSI blue lighting.

1:10    Just no with the static and jumpy zooms.  

1:34    NO WITH THE STATIC AND JUMPY ZOOMS.  STAHP.

1:55    You guys, Patricia Arquette has an Oscar.  Just a reminder before we proceed.  She’s now talking - in merciful steadicam - to the weird guy from Ally McBeal.  The one who was also a camp counselor in Addams Family Values.

3:03    James Van Der Beek!  I’m not a fan.  But anyway I think he’s supposed to be “the hunk”.  There’s a list of stock shoes to fill and I’m calling The Beek as “the hunk”.  Not by choice.  By the arbitrary character standards set forth by CBS.

3:57    Hurley!  It’s not Hurley.  It’s a large plaid-wearing beard-having tech-nerd.  

4:21    Punk chick named Raven!  What even?  I thought nothing could make me miss Greg Sanders.  But I’m about to say, less than five minutes in, that I miss Greg Sanders.  

5:00   AAAARRRGHHHH STATIC $%^*%^&(^&%^*$ WITH THE STATIC JUMP CUTS!

Thus far we have determined that Patricia Arquette is kind of an asshole who is totally phoning it in.  She is sleep-walking.  She is essentially a zombie.  The “CSIs” (I’m going to put that in quotes from now on because calling these dipshits CSIs is a smear to the good names of Catherine and the rest of the Vegas Merry Men)... the “CSIs” are complete assholes to the Baltimore cops and arrange to take over their crime scene by a remote Skype-type conversation broadcast on a giant screen in the middle of their office because of reasons and science.  A thing that could have been accomplished with a phone, I’m just saying.  The Beek is also a hardcore gamer so one day I assume we’ll have an episode about “ethics in journalism”.

9:50     There’s a plot happening.  A kidnapped baby.  WHY IS THIS A CYBER CRIME?  Because the kidnappers hacked the baby monitor and stalked the baby through it.  This is DefCon Six level stupid.  This is not cyber crime, this is a dude who has been to Radio Shack once in his life who decided to steal a baby.

11:05    Okay so remember that thing CSI: Original (Vegas, baby, VEGAS) pioneered that was like The Matrix bullet-time but for CSIs imagining things like knives through skin, maggots in ears, etc etc?  Yeah, they’re doing that here too only they’re envisioning such thrilling things as fingers pulling memory cards out of gadgets.  I AM RIVETED.

13:27    “Oop, there’s malware!”  Actual line that then queued up some kind of muzak-version of a techno soundtrack and a giant wall-sized screen visualization of red and green code.  Because of reasons.  And science.  And cyber.

15:06    The Beek has perfected blink-acting.  He emotes via blinks.

15:25    So these “CSIs” are actually FBI.  CSI: FBI: Cyber.  *sigh*  

16:04    I am going to have some kind of meltdown over the static jump cuts in this fucking show.  STATIC DOES NOT MAKE YOU EDGY.  I’m kidding, it totes does.  Kids these days are all about static and jump cuts in between sexting and Kardashian apps.  This show wants to be hip so bad but it’s like your grandma’s grandma.  The Golden Girls was edgier than this show and that is not a joke.  No disrespect to The Golden Girls.  Bea Arthur, you are missed.

17:46    I don’t even know who any of the characters are.  Patricia Arquette and The Beek and the Addams Family Camp Counselor and a bunch of randoms.  Oh, there’s a black guy who was formerly busted by said “CSIs” who now works for them because: science.  And reasons.  CYBER.

19:06    Taking a photo of a collected fingerprint with your smart phone does not make this cyber, either.  CSI: Original was doing that for years.  CSI: Original is better than you will ever be, just give up now.  Let the CSI name rest in peace already.

19:51    Punk chick cyber grrl Raven is “edgy” because: dyed hair.  And slouchy clothes.  And reasons.  And science.  And CYBER.  They just high fived.  Raven and Black Hacker.  They high fived because they accessed a MySpace page via the giant unnecessary wall-screen in the office.  This is like the biggest waste of resources in the history of ever.  All the money spent on pointlessly large screens decorating the office could have been diverted to CSI: Original to keep Catherine on the payroll, I’m just saying.  Also: who uses MySpace?  Stop trying to make fetch happen.

22:08    So Patricia Arquette and The Beek are out in some backwoods hovel arresting a couple of the kidnappers with good old fashioned handcuffs and guns.  A sniper takes out one of the kidnappers.  And none of this is cyber.  NONE OF THIS IS CYBER YOU GUYS.  

23:19    The Beek just accessed the perp’s smart phone records and found a memory card on the ground.  I stand corrected, this is totes cyber.  If by “cyber” we really mean we are all agreeing to stay firmly locked in 1990 and disallow progress.

25:21    Remember that movie with Sandra Bullock?  The Net?  And how it was like a modern-day tech horror cautionary tale that scared us all pantsless back in the days of yore when the internets were new and scary and we were all like “duuude the net can like track us and kill us and if we order shit online we will never be known by any human and we will be killed and I’m terrified”?  This show makes that movie look ferociously savvy and very now.

27:31    They have a holodeck morgue.  No, that’s not a typo.  They virtually transported digital versions of bodies from a different morgue into a giant empty room featuring a light grid that allows the “bodies” to hover mid-air in moody blue lighting.  So: holodeck morque.  First, Star Trek did it better.  Second, the fuck?  Third, JUST NO.

29:51    I hate this show.

30:35    “Blah blah blahdy target track blahdy blahdy hack tech blahdy blah blah” - actual dialogue.  But I added much more emotion to my version.

32:08    Actual cyber crime-fighting would involve, I think, a whole lot more bleary-eyed people wearing pyjamas in the daytime, coffee stains on cluttered desks, and lack of vitamin D.  It would not involve a SWAT Hummer busting down a warehouse door A-Team-style and angry field interrogations.

33:53    The bad guys took the time to spray-paint their secret warehouse base with day-glo graffiti tags because: science.  And reasons.  CYBER!

Things are happening plot-wise but as the plot makes no sense and has no bearing whatsoever on anything cyber, I can’t muster the strength to type things about it.  I will summarize.  The Beek is underwater.  Because: CYBER.

37:11    Slo-mo CPR on a really obvious baby doll.

37:45    Static jump cuts have been replaced with slo-mo jump cuts because: resolution.  And conclusion.

38:47    Applause in the blue-hued office.  Babies have been rescued.  A “your parents basements” joke because: CYBER.

39:26    Patricia Arquette is talking backstory and apparently she was working back when the internet was just starting and a hacker totes like wrecked her job and inspired her to become a cyber “CSI”.  Or whatever.  God, this show.

40:38    After every case she goes to sit in front of the Lincoln Memorial to think.  I have thoughts, too, Patricia.  Namely, what is my life worth now that I’ve invested 45 minutes of it into something so savagely stupid it thinks I won’t notice it stole Tony Stark’s old prototype lab and filled it with endless news broadcasts, extra monitors, blue lights, and the sweet stench of desperation to regain relevance?  

I hate this show and I hate myself and I need a shower and this has made me inexplicably sad for my beloved Vegas CSIs.

This show needs.... *sunglasses*... unplugging.  YEAAAAAAH.

You guys it makes CSI: Miami look like Citizen Kane.  

 

- Corinne Simpson