Nathan's Laserium: Theories

Something you should know about me: I have never been to a gossip website. Ever. Maybe by accident once or twice but sites like Never have I darkened their doorway. Or given them a cookie or whatever you call it. It's not that I'm boycotting, it's that they have literally zero interest to me. In the same way I've never visited a site about Soviet-era concrete architecture.  And truthfully Soviet-era architecture is more interesting to me than celebrity gossip.

But thanks to a couple of recent podcasts, I now know that celebrity gossip is actually a beehive of Mysteries, Conspiracies, Secrets and Lies.

Why didn't you tell me this before?

It's so interesting!

So, like, according to Margaret H. Willison (@MrsFridayNext) who is occasionally a panelist on one of my fave podcasts, Pop Culture Happy Hour, the Taylor Swift song "Bad Blood" is a furious screed aimed at her former pal Katy Perry. I like that song. I just assumed it was another breakup song, and that was fine by me. Margaret said that once she learned about the possible Perry connection, she couldn't unhear it. Me neither, though this has only made the song way more fascinating to me.

Here's the story, according to Mrs Friday Next: Taylor had a backup dancer that Katy stole away! Now there is bad blood. And that's the story. A quick google of "Ddid taylor wsift write bad bloos about katy perry" (I love how google knows what you're talking about even with horrendous typing) reveals that the answer is a resounding probably. There's a little more to it, something about John Mayer and a picture of a Grammy next to the lyrics to Bad Blood. Katy has no Grammies, and Taylor has more than that. This is exactly like the controversial Metallica song called "Shoot Me Again" which led to a bazillion blogs speculating whether the song was about former bassist Jason Newsted. Except no it isn't at all since no one actually cared about or even noticed that song.

I really love Taylor Swift, as I've mentioned in this very space. Unironically and unashamedly. That said, her song she wrote in response to that whole Kanye thing was regrettable. But that point of precedent leads this court to its verdict: a reluctant concurrence with the gossipsphere. The song is about Katy Perry. Gavel Smash!

Next on the docket, courtesy of the great Gimlet podcast Reply All: is Larry a thing?

A week ago I would've been like what are you even talking about. But thanks to this fascinating podcast (the title of the episode is "This Proves Everything") I now know that the members of One Direction called Harry and Louis are possibly secretly in love with each other! And that one of them is supposedly dating a model named Eleanor. But no one can prove that Eleanor even exists! She conveniently doesn't do social media. The theory is that the record company made her up so that the hordes of OneD fans can continue to enjoy innocent heterosexual fantasies of one day having a One Direction boyfriend. But there are hordes of Larry shippers who would be way more happy to know if Larry is a thing. (Larry is obviously a mashup of Harry and Louis though I would've gone with Huey.)

There are videos on YouTube called Larry Proofs. In the interests of journalistic integrity I even watched one. Um. I guess there's like tattoos that match or are in the others' handwriting and vague tweets and loving glances and such forth. And Harry never smoked and Louis never drank but there's photos of them doing both so obviously they're big fat liars so you know. Hey, I'm convinced! Come out Larry! Let your love be free! Don't you know you're beautiful! (I am singing that to the tune of the only One Direction song I know, "She Don't Know She's Beautiful")

And with that I was all out of podcast material. But I was still hungry for more! So I texted the great vampirenomad and asked for more. She gave me some great Game of Thrones stuff that I could solidly get behind, though it doesn't quite fit the gossip theme I was going for. Incidentally the formula R+L=J is very sound math. All these years I was using the wrong damn variables. No wonder I couldn't figure it out.

Another one she gave me was "Did Justin Bieber call Selena Gomez gorgeous at the Met the other night?" And I was ready to really dig in and get to the bottom of it and solve the mystery, but you know, I found this website on Soviet era architecture that was way more interesting...

- Nathan Waddell