A Live Blog
2:25 THE HAIR.
2:26 Oh WOW the hair. THE. HAIR. Just.... wow.
3:15 Joan Cusack I love you.
4:46 Giving your boss a message while he’s in the men’s room. Priceless. For everything else there’s Mastercard.
5:40 The computers are like Pong... how did we get from data-only green screens to today’s tiny global unification touch screens in our pockets that we use solely for cat videos and sharing pictures of our dinners via social media?
7:08 Oliver Platt, ladies and gentlemen. Oliver Platt.
8:00 Literally all her friends are in the closet.
8:15 I just had to clarify whether the half-naked Baldwin onscreen was Billy or Alec. Holy mother it’s Alec. Wow, just wow.
8:17 That is a LOT of lingerie to get strapped into just so he can rip it off you, Melanie.
8:53 Kevin Spacey, ladies and gentlemen. Kevin Spacey. Snorting coke and drinking champagne mid-day in a limo with Melanie Griffith. Future House of Cards president Kevin Spacey drinking champers right out of the bottle while watching porn in a limo.
13:28 Sigourney Weaver’s entrance has the effect of immediately silencing the office.
15:25 Sigourney is so good. And because she’s a ball-breaker top-dog kind of woman, she’s named Katharine. All top-dog women are named Catherine, don’t you know? It’s a rule. Catherine Willows. Catherine the Great. Catherine Deneuve. Catherine O’Hara. Catherine Trammel.
17:15 ‘Raging Bull’ is a company that hires out bartenders in this movie.
18:00 I personally don’t consider Dim Sum a big idea.
19:08 Sigourney’s red dress means she’s a viper. You have to interpret 80s movie subtleties to know this.
20:50 I like the careful assessing of Melanie’s idea that Sigourney does. How many people know about it? Where’d she get it? She’s weighing how quickly she can steal it. There’s no movie without this.
23:38 “... and I am, after all, me.” Sigourney’s reasoning as to why her boyfriend is going to propose.
25:35 “I know she’s evil but she’s so cute.” Ginger, on Sigourney.
26:12 I am distracted by all the crimps in the hair. The crimps are crimped.
26:54 Because of COURSE Sigourney has Warhol-esque paintings of herself on the wall.
28:32 It’s not a bit single white female to use your boss’ exercise equipment, perfume, and makeup brushes when you’re just supposed to be watering plants?
29:12 Well I am JUST SHOCKED. *clutches pearls* Sigourney STOLE Melanie’s idea? I never.
30:00 Willing to lay money on Alec cheating at this moment.
30:12 Called it.
30:24 “This is not what it looks like.” It looks like the cowgirl position, Alec. That’s what it looks like.
31:15 Sad ferry-in-fog montage. That’s how 80s movies convey despair. New York gets fog and people watch it through lofty office windows.
33:06 The chandelier lowers dramatically. It’s metaphor, people.
33:40 Those underpants, though. 80s underwear apparently wanted us all to look horrendously hip-heavy and pancake-butted.
34:33 Joan Cusack, not only are you helping Melanie perpetuate identity theft and fraud, you’re now feeding her somebody else’s prescription medicine.
35:22 Well the hair is better shorter, definitely. But you understand this is a comparison on 80s terms. It’s crimp versus soccer mom. I can’t give you a true assessment.
36:22 Harrison Ford, ladies and gentlemen. Harrison Ford before he became a certified curmudgeon.
37:00 Melanie is pretending to be her boss and Harrison is pretending not to be his businessman self. This is like if Aladdin was a secretary who stumbled into the palace where Jasmine was pretending to be a servant and the genie was Joan Cusack. Basically in the 80s there would have been no entertainment if honesty existed. Three’s Company would have been ten minutes long if Jack had just said “I’m not gay” to Mr. Roper.
39:12 “I have a head for business and a bod for sin.” What?
40:58 Harrison carries her over his shoulder the way I carry kitty litter up from the parkade. ROMANCE.
42:56 Harrison, you are talking to a passed out girl about herbal tea. The 80s.
43:51 Is that bed a twin?
44:48 “Don’t fuck up.” Too late, Melanie. You took valium from your boss’ apartment you are illegally occupying and passed out in your business contact’s bed not knowing it was him. The 80s.
46:38 I am a woman who stands behind women. You guys, I am a feminist. But this... Melanie, I don’t... I can’t buy that she knows anything about high-stakes financial deals or radio broadcasting rights. I want to believe but I can’t.
47:48 JOAN CUSACK WHAT EYESHADOW IS THAT? WHAT.... IS ON.... YOUR FACE?
48:35 But makeup aside, Joan Cusack you are a treasure. A national fucking treasure.
49:18 Sigourney has rose-tinted glasses. Also Melanie, you are wearing your boss’ rose-tinted glasses.
49:40 This is the awkward moment in 80s movies when the “did you date rape me while I was passed out on my boss’ valium?” question provides the adorable meet-cute needed for the leads to have a ‘quality’ romance. You know, one that isn’t based on lies, fraud, other people’s drugs, and potential date rape.
51:52 Harrison was a total fox, man.
52:20 “I don’t think we should get involved that way.” You mean you don’t have a bod for sin? I’m confused.
53:17 Slow pan through a bar chock full of big hair and shoulder pads.
54:18 Alec has hang-dog down cold. He was a total Baldwin, you guys. Ha!
55:33 You guys, ‘Lady in Red’ by Chris de Burgh! It came out in 1986 but it was also my grad song. (No, I did not graduate in 1986, just stop your insanity.) Meeeeemories.
57:36 She says ‘maybe’ to Alec’s proposal. What? And he’s insulted by that. WHAT? Three nights ago he was fucking someone else in their bedroom and now he’s all shirty because she can’t give him a solid yes on the future. You know what you’d get from me, Alec? A swift kick in the nuts and a ‘kiss my ass, cheating dog’.
1:00:16 Is changing shirts in glass-walled offices a thing that male executives do on the regular?
1:01:17 I’m distracted from whatever madcap plot development is happening by logic. How would any other secretary in the open-plan office NOT recognize that their fellow secretary is currently occupying her missing boss’ office while wearing her missing boss’ clothes? The biggest suspension of disbelief in this movie is the assumption that office cubicles don’t breed snark and that women aren’t able to identify outfits at fifty paces.
1:04:54 Harrison has sauce in the corner of his mouth. In the 80s this is either a romantic moment waiting to happen or careless filmmaking.
1:06:46 So her big idea on how to be a legitimate businesswoman and land a solid deal is to coerce Harrison to crash a wedding with her?
1:09:09 “Ugh, he didn’t wash his hands.” Ginger, on Harrison exiting the bathroom.
1:10:41 Financial business is not like this, you guys. Admittedly it is probably a lot like the limo with Kevin. But it isn’t sweet-talking over dances at a crashed wedding.
1:11:56 Smoking a cigar inside. Bold move, Harrison. Your turn, Melanie.
1:12:21 Moony eyes and heavy vaseline filter. Hmmm, playing to win.
1:15:07 Kiss on the stairs. Briefcase drop in unison. 80s love.
1:16:17 Is that a Maidenform bra? RAWR.
1:16:49 Deja vu in the possible-twin bed with green sheets. But this time she’s conscious.
1:18:09 “Jack there’s something I have to tell you.” *phone rings* Yep. 80s movies.
1:19:27 Harrison was dating Sigourney, you guys. This is the big revelation. (Well, okay, his big revelation. The phone interrupted hers.) So, to recap, Sigourney is Melanie’s boss and Melanie is pretending to have Sigourney’s job while doing business and sleeping with Sigourney’s boyfriend who didn’t tell Melanie he had a girlfriend or that said girlfriend works in the same office as where Melanie is pretending to be an executive.
1:21:35 Sigourney on muscle relaxants is a dream.
1:23:09 Sigourney is the wicked queen of my dreams. She’s kind of a bitch and I love it.
1:25:10 See, now I actually feel bad for Sigourney because at this point all she tried to do is steal Melanie’s idea. Actually all she did is suggest stealing Melanie’s idea. Which is wretched, yes. But now Harrison has cheated on her while she was away recovering from a broken leg and is now lying to her face about being happy to see her. And she has no idea that he’s actually a dog in the exact style of Alec. They’re both dogs. But we’re supposed to root for Harrison because he was nice to Melanie and hate Alec because he was mean to Melanie. When really both men are total dogs and both women deserve better. How this movie SHOULD end is with Melanie and Sigourney confessing everything to each other, apologizing for all the lies, then teaming up to make the deal their own. But it won’t because Hollywood.
1:32:21 Okay, yes, now Sigourney is openly stealing Melanie’s idea. I told you she was the wicked queen of my dreams. Hollywood has room only for good and bad, not grey and nuance. In a perfect world Sigourney would give Melanie credit. Also in a perfect world Melanie wouldn’t have taken over Sigourney’s job behind her back and lied to get ahead. However, it doesn’t erase the fact that both Alec and Harrison are dogs and women should not be pitted against each other.
1:34:28 Melanie is standing in Battery Park at dusk with the Statue of Liberty in the background and strings swelling on the soundtrack. That’s how you know she’s wistful. There’s a handbook of 80s movie clichés and this movie is knocking them off one by one.
1:35:14 Joan Cusack, that DRESS! It is like a meringue mated with with a tulle factory.
1:35:58 The bridesmaid dress is very aquamarine and flouncy. It’s very off-the-shouldery and froufy. There are no real words in the english language that describe 80s fashion, you see. I have to make ones up.
1:37:27 Why would all the secretaries in the office Melanie essentially defrauded wish her well after she stole Sigourney’s job? Because these women know what’s really important: other women. Other women who aren’t Sigourney, I mean. Sisterhood has clearly delineated boundaries in the 80s.
1:39:38 Why would Melanie love Harrison at all? Or vice versa? It’s been two weeks. Two weeks of lies and deception. CLEARLY I DON’T UNDERSTAND LOVE.
1:42:15 Melanie gave her pitch on how she came up with the merger idea in the span of an elevator ride and that’s all it took to convince a major CEO of her virtue. I mean if she can prove she invented the deal then all’s forgiven, right? I mean then the subsequent executive-impersonating, wedding-crashing, valium-stealing shenanigans would be null and void, right?
1:44:02 Why on earth is it okay for this CEO to tell Sigourney to get her “bony ass out his sight” based on her stealing Melanie’s idea but it’s totally fine for Melanie to have stolen Sigourney’s job and contacts to get her idea pushed ahead under false pretenses while Sigourney is laid up? I’ve changed my mind about everyone in this movie: nobody deserves better than anyone. They’re kind of all dogs. Except Joan Cusack. She deserves the world.
1:47:35 Kids, this is comedic because, see, Melanie thinks she’s the secretary but the secretary is not her boss. She’s the boss and the woman who was using her phone is her secretary. Classic comedy!
1:48:45 How does she deserve an office when she literally does not even know what her job is?
1:49:58 So the secretary will be right outside working. But on what? I mean literally Melanie doesn’t know what her job is so there really must not be any work to do, right? And yet somehow, mysteriously, Melanie has a full schedule already. Of meetings. For a job she thought she was secretary for. 80s movies, you scamp, you are a hilarious bafflement shrouded in shoulder pads and cloaked in hairspray.
The moral: lie to get ahead. I actually just typed that as “lie to get head” which, based on Harrison falling for Melanie, is not wrong. The moral is lie and things will happen. But get a haircut first or nobody will take you seriously when you lie. The 80s.
- Corinne Simpson