Are you missing winter right about now? I know I'm not. But, as the Starks say, "I am Iron Man." So it's good to be prepared, right? Well, maybe don't put your winter tires on just yet. Here, I will let you in on one weird trick to get ready for winter- vigorously intend to read 40 Below Volume 2, out in November. It's an anthology about winter and Alberta and it even has a story by me in it. Probably I will mention it again closer to November. I bring it up now because I got to discuss my story with the editor, Jason Lee Norman, in a recording booth and it was all CBCey. NPRish. So much fun. I'll let you know when that audio is posted.
One of the things I talked about is how metal music kind of gave me inspiration and impetus to write for fun back in high school. I mentioned how I would die if any of that writing ever surfaced today, but then I got thinking. I was just having fun, taking the piss out of the genre while simultaneously loving it. Maybe I should dig it up. This is my Laserium, after all, and I will shoot my lasers wherever I please. Here are two that stand the test of time, at least in the sense that they aren't wincingly sincere, but rather cheeky tributes to the tropes. Ok here we go, the never-before posted debut of . . .
Immune to Death
I will never draw my last breath
Because I am immune to death
I will never walk through Hell's portal
Seeing as how I am immortal
Some people fear that evil spectre
I saw Death's face and then I decked 'er
I can bleed until I am dry
But I will never ever die
Never-ending life is what I got
I will never lie in a grave to rot
You'll get old and pass away
But I will live for another day
And you know what? So far so good. Haven't died yet. Though I don't feel quite as confident as my 16yo self. I'm kind of bummed I missed the chance to make a rhyme with entropy in it. Something like "Everyone else enters entropy/ But that's for suckers, not for me"
Alright, putting this out here kind of does make me want to die. Good thing I have immunity. Here's another one, kind of a tutorial on how to write a metal song, based on what I saw in all my favorite metal songs:
Bloodhellsoulsdeath
Blood and hell and souls and death
Scream it all in the same breath
Say it all with just one word
One that no one's ever heard
BLOOD the water of life
Spill it all with a knife
Remember to mention that it is red
And without it you will be dead
HELL it's where you might go
If you let your evil grow
Say it as much as you can
It's the word for every metal fan
SOULS can be corrupt sometimes black
They make a great satanic snack
Use it only with discretion
But yell it with much aggression
DEATH the Grim Reaper with a scythe
Or merely the absence of life
Use it often and use it well
Or your bloody soul will go to hell
So there you go. Please don't ever show this to my kids. Winter is coming! Steel your soul!
- Nathan Waddell