Nathan's Laserium: Immune to Death and Other Stories

Are you missing winter right about now? I know I'm not. But, as the Starks say, "I am Iron Man." So it's good to be prepared, right? Well, maybe don't put your winter tires on just yet. Here, I will let you in on one weird trick to get ready for winter- vigorously intend to read 40 Below Volume 2, out in November.  It's an anthology about winter and Alberta and it even has a story by me in it. Probably I will mention it again closer to November. I bring it up now because I got to discuss my story with the editor, Jason Lee Norman, in a recording booth and it was all CBCey. NPRish. So much fun. I'll let you know when that audio is posted.

One of the things I talked about is how metal music kind of gave me inspiration and impetus to write for fun back in high school. I mentioned how I would die if any of that writing ever surfaced today, but then I got thinking. I was just having fun, taking the piss out of the genre while simultaneously loving it. Maybe I should dig it up. This is my Laserium, after all, and I will shoot my lasers wherever I please. Here are two that stand the test of time, at least in the sense that they aren't wincingly sincere, but rather cheeky tributes to the tropes. Ok here we go, the never-before posted debut of . . .

 

Immune to Death

 

I will never draw my last breath

Because I am immune to death

I will never walk through Hell's portal

Seeing as how I am immortal

 

Some people fear that evil spectre

I saw Death's face and then I decked 'er

I can bleed until I am dry

But I will never ever die

 

Never-ending life is what I got

I will never lie in a grave to rot

You'll get old and pass away

But I will live for another day

 

And you know what? So far so good. Haven't died yet. Though I don't feel quite as confident as my 16yo self. I'm kind of bummed I missed the chance to make a rhyme with entropy in it. Something like "Everyone else enters entropy/ But that's for suckers, not for me"

Alright, putting this out here kind of does make me want to die. Good thing I have immunity. Here's another one, kind of a tutorial on how to write a metal song, based on what I saw in all my favorite metal songs:

 

Bloodhellsoulsdeath

 

Blood and hell and souls and death

Scream it all in the same breath

Say it all with just one word

One that no one's ever heard

 

BLOOD the water of life

Spill it all with a knife

Remember to mention that it is red

And without it you will be dead

 

HELL it's where you might go

If you let your evil grow

Say it as much as you can

It's the word for every metal fan

 

SOULS can be corrupt sometimes black

They make a great satanic snack

Use it only with discretion

But yell it with much aggression

 

DEATH the Grim Reaper with a scythe

Or merely the absence of life

Use it often and use it well

Or your bloody soul will go to hell


So there you go. Please don't ever show this to my kids. Winter is coming! Steel your soul!

- Nathan Waddell