Happy Unbirthday to me! And to you, probably. It's a good one for me, though, since it's my last unbirthday before I turn 41. The older I get the more I think Lewis Carroll had it right- that it's the days that aren't our birthdays that we should be celebrating.
Sigh. I mean, whatever, right? We all get older every day and 41 is hardly the milestone that 40 was. But at least with 40 I could be all "Yeah I'm 40 but that's hardly even removed from your 30s amirite? I like comic books!" But 41 is "Yes, madam, I am indeed a middle-aged person, much like your mother over there, whom I can hardly see because my eyes are going. At least she has full possession of her hair."
Anyway. Grumbling about your age is boring. You know what else is boring when you're 40? Everything.
Nah, I'm kidding. Mostly. Truthfully it's been a reinvigorating year for me what with Jamaica and Mt Robson and my oldest child starting school and having a couple of stories published. So yeah. Good year. If I were to give myself a performance review for being alive, I would say I passed with flying colors. Nailed it!
But there's that little ghost that haunts my brain, kind of in that border area between my subconscious mind and my wakeful one. It likes to whisper things like "Yeah but now what? What's next? What's the point?"
Don't get me wrong, that ghost, he's just a wee shadow. He's not a full-grown demon with a scary name like Depression. This one, I don't even think he's part of the "Mid-Life Crisis" subspecies. Still, I hear him whispering. And I don't know the answers to the questions.
It's got something to do with Agency, I know. Making a plan, having goals, trying to get somewhere rather than just be content to float along downstream. And it also has to do with your attitude, which can be shitty or full-on joyful and it's kind of up to you and no one else. And I know that sounds so Motivationey but it's kind of all I got.
I'll let you know how it worked out at my next performance review.
- Nathan Waddell