The Top Five 2009 Oscar Moments As Chosen By The Vampire Who Didn't Watch The Show

(Look, I'm a vampire, not a sadist. Watching the Oscar broadcast is a form of voluntary torture not even a denizen of the darkness like myself can get behind.)

5. Slumdog Millionaire won. Which matters only because I didn't see any of the other nominees and therefore couldn't make an informed opinion even if I gave a flying fuck about not being biased.

4. Mickey Rourke lost. I rooted for him because I love it when he thanks his dogs in acceptance speeches. He's fucking great entertainment value. All awards should only go to people whose speeches will be awesome.

3. Meryl Streep lost. Again. That's a huge blow right there. At what point in this woman's career can we get a ruling that she should only be nominated if she's going to win? She's a national treasure, not Susan Lucci.

2. Robert Downey Jr. lost but the fact that his performance as "the dude playin' the dude disguised as another dude" from Tropic Thunder of all things was even nominated is... well, awesome.

1. Anjelica Huston co-presented, along with four other former Best Supporting Actress Oscar winners, the award for Best Supporting Actress. Yes, I'd prefer she were on the receiving end but as we all know Oscars really have less merit than a gold star in kindergarten these days... you know, onstage is onstage. (What? Can you see my bias again?)