Joanna Newsom and the Fairy Fingernails of Death

I can't stand Joanna Newsom.

Admittedly I'm not much of a hipster. I like what I like and I don't mind if it's not popular or if it is. If I hear something I like, I like it. I don't know too much about music except that life without it is exceptionally dull. I don't expend energy seeking out new artists or finding underground sounds. I'm more of a film buff than a music one.

But that disclaimer is ultimately pointless because my opinion is as valid as anybody else's and my opinion on the matter of Joanna Newsom is that she is more or less a hippie fairy grating her fingernails down a Renaissance Faire chalkboard in some tortuous previously undiscovered ring of hell.

Her music makes me want to kill things.

I like fairies. That's the weird twist to the tale. I really do enjoy fairies and the supernatural and folklore and I even wanted to play the harp when I was little and first starting out in a school band. (Actual conversation with my mother: Mom: What instrument do you want to play? Me: The harp. Mom: If you can afford it and carry it to school all by yourself, you can play the harp. I ended up playing the clarinet. Well, 'playing'. I don't think clarinets are meant to sound like geese on crack or cows with throat blockages. I might be wrong. I digress.) So on paper, in theory, all of these things that come together to create the person of Joanna Newsom would appear to be a winning combination. I should love her and her charming folkish harp music with her oddly discordant vocals.

But I do not.

I do not love her and her unbearably grating/plucking/cutesy 'music'.

DIE FAIRY FINGERNAILS ON THE CHALKBOARD OF MY EARDRUMS! DIE!!

In summary, if you like Joanna Newsom - and there are many of you, many many many of you - then good for you. But do not play her around me or prepare for the annihilation of all sense by me blasting Cher's 'Dark Lady' at ear-splitting volumes to drown out the twee adorableness of the tone-deaf fairy child and her harp.

/end rant